Today

I had big plans for the day.  You know what I mean. 

The dishes would be done, the kitchen clean.
I would finally get to mopping the wood floors.
I would have a chicken thawed, seasoned, stuffed, and in the oven half-done by the time hubby came home.  Chicken and roasted veggies.  Wholesome, no?
And the diapers would all be washed up and the rest of the laundry would be done.
Hubby would be impressed.

I woke up thanking the Lord--in advance!--for the gift of today.  Wasn't I being a good Christian mommy?

Yeah.

The baby is teething, and all three kids have had a cold.  And for some reason, some obnoxious mood has overtaken them.  They're kinetic today.  Mostly feeling better, but it seems they can't stop moving. 

Even in sleep. 

My middle child rolled off the toddler bed and bounced off a bookcase, splitting his lip, before thudding to the floor.  Howling broke through everyone's nap. 

And the diapers are all I've managed to clean.  I have blood on my sleeve.

Yeah.

Today.  It was one of those, "What in the world have I done?" days. 

So I must remind myself:
Owies kissed and snuggles given.
Breakfast and lunch (so far) enjoyed.
Diapers changed. 
Snacks eaten.
Train tracks laid.
Baby nursed.
Noses wiped.
Books read. 
Giggles shared.
Prayers breathed.

Today has been a productive day after all.

Perspective

This was originally posted as a note on Facebook, on Wednesday, March 16, 2011.

Time to move my writing all to one place, huh?

It was a hard day, and frankly, the last place I wanted to be was at the grocery store with the whole family. I've had this cold/flu thing, and I just wanted to be back home in my jammies.

The kids had been restless all afternoon . . . cabin fever big time! Picking at each other, picking at me . . . driving me just a little nutso . . . so fighting the dinner-time mob at the store just wasn't where I wanted to be.

The baby had finally fallen asleep in his car seat--poor third child, not allowed to nap by the noisy older siblings--when we got to the checkout. My oldest started asking for everything she saw: "Can I have a princess doll? Can I have gum? Can I have a cookie? Can I, oh they have candy canIhavesomecandymommypleeeeease?" Well, 20 minutes before dinner I was not going to give in to treats.

So she starts crying, which really lifted my sinus headache to a whole other level.

I was just trying to keep it together so we could get out the door, when an older lady approached. She smiled sweetly at the kids, and just as I was about to offer her the older two (for free!), she asked softly,

"Oh, can I just take a peek?" and stopped to admire the baby.

"I think he's asleep." I said quietly. "Finally!"

She gave me a measuring look, as if she was looking straight into my heart, into my bad day, into my headache. She started to speak, paused and pursed her lips, then began:

"We, my husband and I, got our first child when she was 5 months old. We adopted her, you know," she looked fondly at my sleeping babe. "She was 11 months old when the papers were finalized."

She took another deep breath. "A few months later I had this flu I just couldn't shake," she said, patting her stomach. "I finally went to the doctor, and he said, 'Well, we know you can't get pregnant, but we'll check just in case.' Well, wouldn't you know, there it was, we were pregnant after all." I smiled, enjoying the story of her miracle.

She stood another moment, smiling at the baby, then looked up at me through yesterday's tears. "We lost 6 more after that, but I had my girls." She sighed, smiled, then said, "And we fostered more than 300 children after that."

I was stunned. "Oh, well God bless you, what a wonderful thing to do!" I said with tears welling up in my eyes.

"And," she said grandly, "I also have 15 great-grandchildren." She beamed at me, then went on her way with a, "Have a nice evening."

I wish I'd asked her name. If I'd been able to speak, I'd have thanked her for her generous heart, and for helping me to have a better outlook on my day.

A picture of me

This was originally posted as a note on Facebook, on  Monday, April 25, 2011.

Time to move my writing all to one place, huh? 

The realization took my breath away, literally stopping me in my tracks halfway to the breakfast table.

My girl and I had just gone round and round and round . . . she was crying, screaming, stomping and generally throwing a fit because she'd gotten something in her eye. I kept telling her I needed to take a look, touch her face, make sure she was okay. She calmed down, then the stinging returned and the jumping crying fit started over again. For nearly half an hour we were at it: me, trying to make sure she was not cut or injuring herself further, she, trying to rub her eye and relieve the pain.

Finally she'd cried it out, whatever it was, calmed down, and we were able to get on with making our scrambled eggs.

I finished cooking our meal and was bringing it to the table when I discovered, once again, that God has a great sense of humor. The realization that left me breathless was this: the screaming crying stomping fit I'd been trying to quell was a perfect picture of how I have acted when wounded, though the struggle is internal.

Often in my life, I find that when something hurts I call for help (through prayer), help comes (like me going to my daughter, my Savior comes to me), and I fight the help. I calm down long enough to allow Him to touch the hurting places, but only long enough for the pain to start again, then I start crying and throwing a fit (of sorts). WHY do I do that? Why do any of us do that?! We ask God to help us and when He shows up, we won't let Him touch our wound. It's madness

I'm going through a Bible study with some girls from church--it's on freedom in Christ--and we're tackling the topic of forgiveness. The emotional mess I've found myself in with my PPD has helped to open my eyes to old junk I was hanging on to, specifically--unforgiveness. That was another breathless realization. I honestly thought I'd dealt with some of the old hurts, but in reality I'd buried the pain under performance and a well-polished mask. Yuck. This was not a place I expected to go when I started this study. I was *hoping* for freedom from the depression. Fortunately for me, my Savior knows what I *truly* needed--to let go of past hurts through forgiveness--and He was faithful to lead me to it.

So as I ponder this truth, it brings me to another . . . the reason I haven't been able to sing. Of course, I still have the ability, such as it is, but the desire and real passion for music and praising God has been absent for almost a year. I haven't "felt" it but couldn't put my finger on it. It was like every time I went to lay down the offering something was holding me back, barring me from the altar.

“Truly I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” 

Mark 11:23-25

I had been asking for healing, but not truly believing it would come. My frustrated prayer that changed from "Help me!" to "Be Glorified!" let me see how I was scratching scars and keeping them open, raw, prone to infection. I was rubbing my wounds instead of inviting my Savior to come in and heal them, just like Rachael rubbed her eye when it hurt. Wow. I was carrying hurt around that was keeping me out of the throne room, away from the altar, like when you try to walk through a doorway holding a broom horizontally in front of you, it bars the way. Wow again.

So again I'm laying it down again , and will continue to do so. It's the only way I can re-focus my attention on what truly matters here: giving my Savior what He's asked of me.

Everything.

They're all asleep!!

Wow.
I can hardly believe my last post was in July. Crazy! Since then I left my beloved job, we took the kids out of daycare and we've moved to my brother's to be caretakers, and a little more than 8 weeks ago I gave birth to my newest little guy, Reece David.
Life can sure change fast.
And the only reason I'm sitting down to write is that everyone else in the house is snoozing! Ahh, sweet silence . . .
My hubby and I were discussing this just the other night: If you'd have told me last Christmas that in 2010 I would leave my job to be a SAHM, I would have a new baby, and that I'd be living in what amounts to my dream home, I'd have said you were certifiable.
Yet here I am.
Left my job. SAHM. New baby. 1870s farm house in a sleepy river town.
Crazy.
It certainly hasn't been easy, and it's not always fun, but somehow the extra hard work really is . . . easier. Maybe not easier--maybe it's just that I'm doing something worthwhile? It's harder work, but less--no, make that different--stress. There are rarely breaks (like now!) and no vacations. There are constant messes, noise, smelly bottoms, sticky faces . . . but there are also giggles, drool, toys, smiles and dimples that I would miss otherwise.
I've had to slog my way through the murky depths of post-partum depression, but I have a beautiful boy to show for it. I don't get to shower every day, and I rarely get to go potty without someone trailing along behind me, but my middle child doesn't care if I'm sitting on the toilet when I read to him. Forgiving boy.
My husband is really coming into his own, too. I'd say he's changed a lot in the last year, but maybe it's me that's changed: I see him how he really is now that I'm not distracted by so many outside things. He's stronger than I'd have imagined. More tender. Compassionate. Fun. He'd probably kick me for saying this, but I think he looks better with the extra grey hairs he's earned this year. I don't know about MY new greys, but his look really good. Mmm. I have a cute husband. Is it getting warm in here?
Occasional behavior issues and mountains of laundry aside, this has been a good move for us. The Lord has opened up tons of new possibilities for us: homeschooling, more children, adoption or foster care, maybe a new church home, new friends. Things I'd dreamed about before but were "impossible": With God all things are possible.
All things.

Good things come to those who wait . . .

I can hardly believe I'm writing this post.

The last week has been like a blur . . . I had this feeling . . . then there were two blue lines on a stick . . . then my husband said what I've been praying he'd say for the last four years; "Looks like you're coming home to stay, because we can't afford 3 in daycare!"

I get to stay home with my babies.

I feel like I've lived an entire life since then, and it's only been 5 days.

I'm not jumping up and down like I thought I would be. I'm just happy. Peaceful. Excited, but nervous. Temperate? I don't know what to call this feeling . . . the Joy of the Lord? Probably, but it's a lot quieter than I thought it would be. I have more patience for my almost-four-year-old and her grumpies, and with my 13 month old as he develops his own strong-willed temperament. I have more patience with my DH. I have peace. I feel humbled by the grace that has been given to me. I am allowed another child, and the chance to do my best raising the two I already have.

I still have to fight the fear that comes with change--that's never easy, of course. There are all these, "What if" situations that pop up in my brain, but they're all based on fear . . . and not a healthy fear of the Lord, either.

It's taking time to sink in, like our spring thaw . . . I get to stay home with my babies. I'm still not jumping up and down. In my imagination there were more exclamation points in this post. :-) I sure smile a whole lot more, that's for sure.
~
Something just occurred to me . . . very soon I won't have to listen to the CEO of our company curse every time he looks at the clock as he walks by my desk. I won't miss that. Not one bit.
~
I'm going to start really digging in to Proverbs 31, and will post my observations here as I go. I want to be that woman for God, for my kids and for my husband.

How am I going to break this to my boss? :-) I know I'm going to meet with opposition in many areas, perhaps mostly here at work, but I honestly don't care. My family is supportive and so are the friends we've told. I'm sure a lot of people will think we're nuts: lots have asked whether we were "done" when we got pregnant with my DS, but I couldn't really answer except to say, "I don't know" or "For now."

I just feel so blessed, so undeservedly blessed. It really is humbling.

I get to stay home with my babies.

My precious, precious Jesus:
I'm sure you know better than I the gift that you've given me. I can't imagine why or how you think I can do this . . . I know you'll help me. I know it's going to be hard. I also know that it's going to be worth all the tears and heartache and sacrifice. You are worth it. You alone are worthy of my praise, and I pray that I can give it to you fully and without reservation. Thank you, thank you.

Beauty from ashes

I've been praying that the Lord would use my mistakes and unfortunate past experiences for His glory, and I'm starting to see that happen. I was able to minister to a friend today, to help her remember His hope for her hopeless situation . . . it was amazing. She has the mark of Grace on her life, true grace. She could choose bitterness, but chose instead graciousness. She chose truth over a lie. She chose God's Word over her feelings. She has every reason to be unforgiving, but is choosing instead to forgive. I am so proud of her.
God is so good!!
I don't know what the end result of our prayers will be, but I'm excited to see what happens. We're hoping for the best, praying against the worst, and waiting on the Lord.
God used the beautiful end result of my presumably hopeless situation, and turned it into hope for my friend. I love that.

Isaiah 40:31 (New International Version)
31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

He said He will renew our strength, He'll give us wings to fly.

~~~~

I remember reading once that revenge is like swallowing poison in the hopes that another will die, and I believe that is true. What freedom there is in forgiveness!

~~~~

Praise report!! My husband got a new job: it's a temp-to-hire situation, and I'm praying that it's just another step toward home for me. My journey to being a stay-at-home momma is becoming more real to me all the time. Hubby is actually talking about "having another one!" Is he always going to get baby-fever before me? We're definitely becoming a quiverfully-minded couple, and much quicker than I'd anticipated.

Psalm 127
A song of ascents. Of Solomon.

1 Unless the LORD builds the house,

its builders labor in vain.

Unless the LORD watches over the city,

the watchmen stand guard in vain.
2 In vain you rise early

and stay up late,

toiling for food to eat—

for he grants sleep to [a] those he loves.
3 Sons are a heritage from the LORD,

children a reward from him.
4 Like arrows in the hands of a warrior

are sons born in one's youth.
5 Blessed is the man

whose quiver is full of them.

They will not be put to shame

when they contend with their enemies in the gate.

Illnesses

Why do they need to fight you when you're fighting for them? Seriously!
My oldest is sick and REFUSES to puke in the pan. She's strong-willed, but trying to convince her that her will is no match for the tummy flu is taking a long time to sink in. My poor baby. I hate feeling like there's nothing I can do for her.
I'm also trying to relay the message that sometimes answers to prayer are "No," and that that's okay. Trying to get across that we should praise God in all circumstances may be a tougher nut to crack today.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Lord Jesus, I don't want to catch this illness. Please keep me, hubby, and little brother safe from it? Please?

Still waiting

I can't believe it's been so long since I visited my little blog! Time sure flies, I guess.

Little Brother came along in late January and I've been running hard ever since. Big Sister has adjusted well to the addition, but it was a little touch-and-go for a while. Little has endured severe pats on the head, too-tight hugs and has literally been kicked when he was down. Tough boy, brother to a tougher girl.

I wish I could say I was closer to my heart's desire--to stay home with my kids--but I'm not. I've learned a lot on this journey so far, though:

• Having two kids is seventeen times the work of one. Or thereabouts.
  
• Boy babies are easier than girl babies. I heard this rumor once before, and now I'm a believer.
• I'm much more relaxed this time around than I was with #1. Perhaps it's experience, perhaps it's just fatigue. I suspect it's a combo.
• My husband is an awesome guy. He's taken to this kid raising thing well, and still manages to make me feel like a special lady. That is a wonderful thing!

I'm sure that one day we'll get this SAHM thing figured out, but I wish we could do it sooner than we are. Perhaps that isn't the Lord's plan for me now . . . I just have to wait on Him.

I still have my dream of staying home with the kids, maybe having one or two more, growing my own veggies in the summer and homeschooling. Maybe it'll happen yet . . .

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'll be thirty this fall and I'm starting to feel less like a little kid, and more like an adult. When the heck did that happen?! When did my gray hairs become just a fact of life instead of an abhorrence? Not that I have so many, but they do stand out in dark brown hair . . . time to dig out the henna!

Not yet

So I've just about had it with my job.

I feel like I can't get anything done, and when I do, it doesn't really matter anyway.

Okay, so I'm whining, but I would really rather stay home with my daughter right now. She keeps asking me to stay home--almost every day . . . and I keep having to say "Not today, honey. Not yet."

Not yet.

I don't know if that's just me, or if that's what the Lord has in mind right now. Honestly, sometimes I think I'd rather just quit my job and let the chips fall where they may. I would much rather be able to be there when my daughter scrapes her knee, than have to hear about it from our daycare provider. I would rather have the time to show her how to plant tulip bulbs, and to make pancakes, and to ride a bike when the time comes. I want to be able to take her (and her little brother, when he's born) out to lay in the grass and watch the clouds. I want to be there when she misbehaves, so I can tell her what God expects of a little girl. I want to fight with her so I can tell her I'm sorry. I want to teach her to sing.

But, not yet. I know I can do all these things in time, but not until the Lord--and my husband--say it's okay.

I want to be there before it's too late.

I want to be there before something tragic happens, like in my cousin's family. She worked full time, she loved her kids with everything she had in her . . . and now she's succumbing to the affects of 2 1/2 years of chemotherapy and radiation treatments. She's 42, and probably won't see this Thanksgiving. Her kids are 23, 21, 11 and 8.

Work just isn't worth missing out on my kids.


Heavenly Father,
Please give me your grace, I need it so badly today. I'm tired of complaining about work, I'm tired of missing out on my daughter, I'm tired of working, I'm just so stinking tired. I don't want to be afraid of running out of money, but I also want to pay my debts.
Thank you, my Jesus, for paying the price for my sinful life. Please show me how to be more like you, how to persevere in this race of life.
Holy Spirit, fall freshly on me today. Please keep me from harm, and from harming others.
Lord, keep me in all of your ways.
Amen

Provision

Psalm 121 (NIV)
A song of ascents.
1 I lift up my eyes to the hills— where does my help come from? 2 My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. 3 He will not let your foot slip— he who watches over you will not slumber; 4 indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
5 The LORD watches over you—the LORD is your shade at your right hand; 6 the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. 7 The LORD will keep you from all harm—he will watch over your life; 8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.

Isn't God amazing?
It seems as though I just think of something I may need--immediately, or in the near future--and the Lord provides it to me. Everything from clothes for my daughter, to a couple sacks of potatoes left anonymously on my front porch. Of course, I pray for provision and to supply for my family, but more often than not, stuff just comes my way.
I got a call last night from a relative who has been handing down her daughter's old clothes for my daughter, and has also put some aside for my little boy for when he gets bigger. Plus, she has a barely-used play pen she wants to give us. Amazing! I was going to loan out a bassinet we got when our daughter was born--I may as well just give it away, because this playpen has a bassinet attachment, too!
Another friend gave me three HUGE boxes of little girl clothes recently, and I got a good lesson in letting go . . .
I'd spied some things that I'd wanted to save "just in case" we found out we were having a girl (even though I knew this one was a boy from the moment I had that positive pregnancy test). So, I shared some clothes with my sister-in-law, and she took some for a friend. Then I went through the bins again, and decided to call another friend to see if she wanted any clothes--she had just been going through her daughter's drawers, wondering where they were going to get money to buy more stuff for their little girl. Prayers answered for them!
She came over the next Sunday and poked through the bins. All sorts of cute little outfits I had wanted were being put into her pile, and she was taking some other stuff for a friend of her's that I'd never met . . . and I was getting jealous. I had wanted that one knit hat, and I had wanted that one dress. I pouted internally for a few days when I finally realized--the generosity of one friend had blessed five other families. Now, imagine if I had hoarded everything away for myself. That would have been real nice, wouldn't it? Knowing others needed clothes for their kids and I stashed away a bunch for myself. And for what purpose? To molder in a closet somewhere, or get musty in the basement? I certainly wasn't going to wear them!
Well, like I said, it took me a few days, but I got over it. Now, I'm kind of excited because the stuff left over in the bins is all too small for my little girl, but a friend of mine (due two days after me) just learned that she's having a girl! And she wants to do a trade--my girl stuff for the things her little boy has outgrown.
One person cleaning out closets blessed SIX families. That's multiplication I can appreciate! And I'd thought about keeping all that stuff . . .

My prayer today: Lord, help me to remember others on my journey, and throughout my day. Help me to fill the needs I see, however I can, and to remember that my treasure is in heaven. Thank you again and again for your provision. Amen

Conviction

On my way home from work yesterday, I heard a message on the radio from Chuck Bentley of Crown Financial Ministries. Chuck was talking about the *ahem* mess, in our ecomony, and it got me thinking:
How much have I really given up for my family's financial wellbeing? There are things some would call 'essentials' that my hubby and I have decided to do without, such as:

• Fancy cell phones & plans (we "pay as we go" and our phones are 3 years old! They don't have built-in cameras!! Gasp!)
• Cable or satelite TV (I'm satisfied not knowing what I'm missing)
• Tivo (don't watch much network TV anyhow)
• NetFlix (we go to the library for free video rental)
• Brand-new cars (mine's 17 years old! How old is yours?)
• Brand-new computers (hubby's dad built his machine)
• Power Ball tickets (we don't like gambling)
• Regular trips to the salon (I "dye" for my color)
• Out-of-town vacations
• Dates where we actually spend money

Truth be told, we are not doing very well financially, despite the things we've decided to do without. That's part of the reason for hubby's feverish job search--the other part being our desire to have me stay home with my babies. Once baby boy arrives in January we won't be able to make all our bills, and have the kids in daycare so I can go to work. That's what we're facing right now--the "which bills do we pay this month" lottery. I'm not looking forward to it.

So, this radio program last night really got me thinking about what else we could be doing to save money, and where else we could trim our budget--and totally convicted me of my own selfish nature. During the radio broadcast, the host mentioned getting a question from a listener--basically like "okay, Mr. financial-smarty-pants guy, if our national leaders came to you to ask what you think they should do about the current financial crisis, what would you say?"--and he answered it in a way I didn't really expect. His short answer was this--that he'd tell our national leaders to turn back to God. (Read more of Chuck's message here.) Chuck cites this verse, from 2 Chronicles 7:

13 "When I shut up the heavens so that there is no rain, or command locusts to devour the land or send a plague among my people, 14 if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land.”

That message totally hit me in the gut: we may not be dealing with locusts, but we are dealing with greed and that can be just as damaging, if not more so. Here I am with a car that runs, a job that pays well and covers my insurance . . . the list went on and on, but it all boils down to my first question: How much have I really given up for my family's financial wellbeing?

So, he doesn't know this yet, but my hubby and I are going to start exploring the public transportation system and the feasibility of living with one car, shopping for cheaper insurance, getting more creative with the crock pot and cooking at home, living (gasp!) without super-fast internet (or without internet at all), and the possibility of working opposite shifts so one of us can stay home with kids while the other one works, shopping at the dollar stores and discount grocery chains and skipping out on frozen pizza.

My prayer for today: Heavenly Father, I'm scared. I don't know where the money will come from. I don't really know that money is the answer to our troubles. I don't know what the answer to our financial mess is, but I do know this for sure--it's our fault we're in this mess in the first place, and I'm totally ashamed of it. Father, I'm sorry for my selfishness, and my unwillingness to be satisfied with what you have provided. Please, teach me to be satisfied with you, and please help us figure this out!

Genesis

Why Genesis?
I'm not exactly referring to the first book in the Bible here, but I am just starting this blog about my faith walk so I figured "Genesis" was a good place to start. Genesis means "birth" or "origin," which seems fitting as my family of three is getting bigger by one this January, and hopefully we'll be starting a new life as our baby boy's life begins.
This new life would involve me finally being able to be a stay-at-home mom, which is something that's been on my heart for a REALLY long time. This new life may also involve a big move for our family, as my dear hubby is looking for a new job anywhere and everywhere, which at the moment includes Arkansas.
My desire right now is to follow where God leads. I don't know if that means that I'll get to quit my job soon or not, but I would sure love to! Don't get me wrong--my job is a little boring, but it's stable, I have great co-workers and incredible benefits. I get out of the house every day, I get a decent paycheck, I'm contributing to my household income and to the tax base, I provide a valuable service to my employer . . . So why do I want to leave this all behind?
Frankly, I've been asking myself the same thing. Sure, as great as the job is, there is occasional friction between me and a boss; I have deadlines that are dependant on others doing their work first, which usually doesn't happen on time; I have an aggravating co-worker or two. But that's typical work stuff that everybody goes through, no matter what business they're in.
The main reason I am willing to drop the great job is this: someone else takes care of my daughter every day. I was at work when she took her first steps and cut her first tooth, and I'm just tired of missing out on her growing up. If we stay where we are, I keep the job and put the kids in daycare, I'll be missing out on all the same things with my little boy. I just don't want to do that anymore!
So, even starting this blog is a big leap of faith for me. I haven't shared my desire to stay home with many people (mainly because hubby hasn't gotten a job offer yet and I don't want word to get back to my boss!), but I want this so very badly. I know this is the design God has for my family . . . now if only we could figure out how He is going to pull this off!!

My prayer for today:
Father, please keep me close. I want to go where you send me, even if I have to sacrifice my home and my great career. Please give me the courage and faith to step out and do what you ask of me. Thank you for blessing us, and for providing for us in so many many ways. Thank you for showing us that you will continue to provide for our every need. Help me to keep this attitude of prayer throughout my day today, and always. Thank you most of all for the gift of salvation through your Son, that you would put Him to death for my sin. Keep me in all of your ways, Lord.
Amen