Today

I had big plans for the day.  You know what I mean. 

The dishes would be done, the kitchen clean.
I would finally get to mopping the wood floors.
I would have a chicken thawed, seasoned, stuffed, and in the oven half-done by the time hubby came home.  Chicken and roasted veggies.  Wholesome, no?
And the diapers would all be washed up and the rest of the laundry would be done.
Hubby would be impressed.

I woke up thanking the Lord--in advance!--for the gift of today.  Wasn't I being a good Christian mommy?

Yeah.

The baby is teething, and all three kids have had a cold.  And for some reason, some obnoxious mood has overtaken them.  They're kinetic today.  Mostly feeling better, but it seems they can't stop moving. 

Even in sleep. 

My middle child rolled off the toddler bed and bounced off a bookcase, splitting his lip, before thudding to the floor.  Howling broke through everyone's nap. 

And the diapers are all I've managed to clean.  I have blood on my sleeve.

Yeah.

Today.  It was one of those, "What in the world have I done?" days. 

So I must remind myself:
Owies kissed and snuggles given.
Breakfast and lunch (so far) enjoyed.
Diapers changed. 
Snacks eaten.
Train tracks laid.
Baby nursed.
Noses wiped.
Books read. 
Giggles shared.
Prayers breathed.

Today has been a productive day after all.

Post-partum depression

This was originally posted as a note on Facebook, on Friday, December 3, 2010.

Time to move my writing all to one place, huh?

Why don't we women talk about this? I mean, even to each other?

There shouldn't be any shame in having post-partum depression. I'm working through it myself right now, but for some reason have been reluctant to talk about it with anyone other than my mom and sister, and my sweet husband. Even talking with *them* about it is hard. (Thankfully my husband is the kind of guy that will listen without trying to fix everything for me!)

Hormone levels change drastically during pregnancy, at birth, and afterward when nursing is established: all these changing hormones can do a number on a woman's mood. Add in recovery from giving birth, punctuated sleep and the stress of your clothes not fitting, and drastic mood swings can result. I know a lot of this is common knowledge, but these are things I have to remind myself when the emptiness starts creeping in.

I haven't done the research, but I think the natural hormone change process is interrupted when a woman has a c-section, like me. Does that mean she is more likely than others to have PPD? I don't know. This is the first time I've had to deal with it, after three cesareans.

Depression is not a logical state of mind: after four years of praying and waiting, I am finally able to be home with my children--and I don't feel anything. Not happy, although we were extatic to welcome our newest son; not sad, though sometimes I can't stop the tears. Sometimes I feel lonely when I'm surrounded by my loving family. It doesn't make sense.

I can't sing. Those of you who know me well know that that's just not me. I sing when I'm cooking. I change a diaper, I'm singing to a little someone. When I'm driving, in the shower, cleaning, almost everywhere I go I'm singing something . . . but right now I just can't find the desire.

I'm not sharing this for sympathy, though I would appreciate your prayers as I travel this road. I'm also not looking for solutions--what I'm doing now seems to be working (dietary changes, rest, herbal supplements) and I'm back to functioning normally. I just want to encourage new and experienced mommies to be on the lookout for the signs, and please talk about how you're feeling with people you trust.

My symptoms surfaced suddenly, almost violently, and it was a real struggle for me to acknowledge that what was happening to me was depression. But it is, and I'm getting through it.

I still don't feel like myself but I can laugh with my kids again, and I know the Lord will help me find my voice again.

Decisions, decisions . . .

The uncomfortable feeling started a couple of weeks ago: a co-worker asked, as she passed my desk, "Can't you stay for another month?" I was in a really aggravated mood, and just snapped, "No." No discussion, no, "Oh, thanks, but . . ." I just answered her shortly, and thought the conversation was over.

Last week same co-worker commented on a Facebook note I'd posted that she was having abandonment issues. I replied with a sunshiny, "That's not my problem, dear!" Again, I thougth it was over.

Today in a meeting, my BOSS actually mentioned it in a sort-of joking manner. Honestly I'm not sure how serious she might have been. I couldn't bring myself to respond. It made me really uncomfortable!!

Now I have been pre-screening candidates for my position and have scheduled 5 interviews for them this week--and the cow eyes continue from members of my team. I really *really* don't want to be in the position of having to magnanimously decline the owners asking me to stick around. I gave them 6 weeks' notice. 6 weeks! That should have been enough time to troll around for candidates, in my opinion. I feel a little sorry for them, but what can I do? I warned them that this was going to happen! I'm just so aggravated, and hope they come up with a quick solution without any dramatics at my exit.

~

Meanwhile . . .

Packing continues and I am trying to decide what pieces of my garden I want to transplant to the new place. I was overjoyed the other morning when I discovered that my creeping thyme came back--hooray!! One less herb to buy for the garden!! So I have the thyme, chives, and peppermint that all came back. Yum! Sounds like the beginning to a tasty Indian or Greek dish!

Research continues on cloth diapering, and I'm getting ready to try my hand at making my own laundry detergent. It's such a strange juxtaposition: I'm in a modern office in the corporate world, talking about my transition to a SAHM DIY world. Less technology, but more work! Less coffee, but more kids! I'm still wondering how I'm going to adjust to all this.

I have 9 days left here. And yes, I AM counting these days!! Trying to make them count, but honestly not caring that I'm still here. Both feet are out the door, but the rest of me has a few days yet left to follow.

I'm excited, a little scared, but mostly excited and relieved that the Lord is answering my prayers!! Now I wonder: what does that mean? He's giving me my heart's desire: what is He asking for in return?

My home? Check.
My job? Check.
My kids? Check, check (and waiting on a check).
My marriage? Gave Him that a while ago.

Wondering what He's asking of me now? And even as I ask myself that question, I get the answer. My time.

~

Thank you Lord Jesus for your many many blessings. Thank you for the cross. Thank you for this day, for you have made it. Help me to be the woman you made me into!

Beauty from ashes

I've been praying that the Lord would use my mistakes and unfortunate past experiences for His glory, and I'm starting to see that happen. I was able to minister to a friend today, to help her remember His hope for her hopeless situation . . . it was amazing. She has the mark of Grace on her life, true grace. She could choose bitterness, but chose instead graciousness. She chose truth over a lie. She chose God's Word over her feelings. She has every reason to be unforgiving, but is choosing instead to forgive. I am so proud of her.
God is so good!!
I don't know what the end result of our prayers will be, but I'm excited to see what happens. We're hoping for the best, praying against the worst, and waiting on the Lord.
God used the beautiful end result of my presumably hopeless situation, and turned it into hope for my friend. I love that.

Isaiah 40:31 (New International Version)
31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

He said He will renew our strength, He'll give us wings to fly.

~~~~

I remember reading once that revenge is like swallowing poison in the hopes that another will die, and I believe that is true. What freedom there is in forgiveness!

~~~~

Praise report!! My husband got a new job: it's a temp-to-hire situation, and I'm praying that it's just another step toward home for me. My journey to being a stay-at-home momma is becoming more real to me all the time. Hubby is actually talking about "having another one!" Is he always going to get baby-fever before me? We're definitely becoming a quiverfully-minded couple, and much quicker than I'd anticipated.

Psalm 127
A song of ascents. Of Solomon.

1 Unless the LORD builds the house,

its builders labor in vain.

Unless the LORD watches over the city,

the watchmen stand guard in vain.
2 In vain you rise early

and stay up late,

toiling for food to eat—

for he grants sleep to [a] those he loves.
3 Sons are a heritage from the LORD,

children a reward from him.
4 Like arrows in the hands of a warrior

are sons born in one's youth.
5 Blessed is the man

whose quiver is full of them.

They will not be put to shame

when they contend with their enemies in the gate.

Illnesses

Why do they need to fight you when you're fighting for them? Seriously!
My oldest is sick and REFUSES to puke in the pan. She's strong-willed, but trying to convince her that her will is no match for the tummy flu is taking a long time to sink in. My poor baby. I hate feeling like there's nothing I can do for her.
I'm also trying to relay the message that sometimes answers to prayer are "No," and that that's okay. Trying to get across that we should praise God in all circumstances may be a tougher nut to crack today.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Lord Jesus, I don't want to catch this illness. Please keep me, hubby, and little brother safe from it? Please?

Conviction

On my way home from work yesterday, I heard a message on the radio from Chuck Bentley of Crown Financial Ministries. Chuck was talking about the *ahem* mess, in our ecomony, and it got me thinking:
How much have I really given up for my family's financial wellbeing? There are things some would call 'essentials' that my hubby and I have decided to do without, such as:

• Fancy cell phones & plans (we "pay as we go" and our phones are 3 years old! They don't have built-in cameras!! Gasp!)
• Cable or satelite TV (I'm satisfied not knowing what I'm missing)
• Tivo (don't watch much network TV anyhow)
• NetFlix (we go to the library for free video rental)
• Brand-new cars (mine's 17 years old! How old is yours?)
• Brand-new computers (hubby's dad built his machine)
• Power Ball tickets (we don't like gambling)
• Regular trips to the salon (I "dye" for my color)
• Out-of-town vacations
• Dates where we actually spend money

Truth be told, we are not doing very well financially, despite the things we've decided to do without. That's part of the reason for hubby's feverish job search--the other part being our desire to have me stay home with my babies. Once baby boy arrives in January we won't be able to make all our bills, and have the kids in daycare so I can go to work. That's what we're facing right now--the "which bills do we pay this month" lottery. I'm not looking forward to it.

So, this radio program last night really got me thinking about what else we could be doing to save money, and where else we could trim our budget--and totally convicted me of my own selfish nature. During the radio broadcast, the host mentioned getting a question from a listener--basically like "okay, Mr. financial-smarty-pants guy, if our national leaders came to you to ask what you think they should do about the current financial crisis, what would you say?"--and he answered it in a way I didn't really expect. His short answer was this--that he'd tell our national leaders to turn back to God. (Read more of Chuck's message here.) Chuck cites this verse, from 2 Chronicles 7:

13 "When I shut up the heavens so that there is no rain, or command locusts to devour the land or send a plague among my people, 14 if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land.”

That message totally hit me in the gut: we may not be dealing with locusts, but we are dealing with greed and that can be just as damaging, if not more so. Here I am with a car that runs, a job that pays well and covers my insurance . . . the list went on and on, but it all boils down to my first question: How much have I really given up for my family's financial wellbeing?

So, he doesn't know this yet, but my hubby and I are going to start exploring the public transportation system and the feasibility of living with one car, shopping for cheaper insurance, getting more creative with the crock pot and cooking at home, living (gasp!) without super-fast internet (or without internet at all), and the possibility of working opposite shifts so one of us can stay home with kids while the other one works, shopping at the dollar stores and discount grocery chains and skipping out on frozen pizza.

My prayer for today: Heavenly Father, I'm scared. I don't know where the money will come from. I don't really know that money is the answer to our troubles. I don't know what the answer to our financial mess is, but I do know this for sure--it's our fault we're in this mess in the first place, and I'm totally ashamed of it. Father, I'm sorry for my selfishness, and my unwillingness to be satisfied with what you have provided. Please, teach me to be satisfied with you, and please help us figure this out!

Genesis

Why Genesis?
I'm not exactly referring to the first book in the Bible here, but I am just starting this blog about my faith walk so I figured "Genesis" was a good place to start. Genesis means "birth" or "origin," which seems fitting as my family of three is getting bigger by one this January, and hopefully we'll be starting a new life as our baby boy's life begins.
This new life would involve me finally being able to be a stay-at-home mom, which is something that's been on my heart for a REALLY long time. This new life may also involve a big move for our family, as my dear hubby is looking for a new job anywhere and everywhere, which at the moment includes Arkansas.
My desire right now is to follow where God leads. I don't know if that means that I'll get to quit my job soon or not, but I would sure love to! Don't get me wrong--my job is a little boring, but it's stable, I have great co-workers and incredible benefits. I get out of the house every day, I get a decent paycheck, I'm contributing to my household income and to the tax base, I provide a valuable service to my employer . . . So why do I want to leave this all behind?
Frankly, I've been asking myself the same thing. Sure, as great as the job is, there is occasional friction between me and a boss; I have deadlines that are dependant on others doing their work first, which usually doesn't happen on time; I have an aggravating co-worker or two. But that's typical work stuff that everybody goes through, no matter what business they're in.
The main reason I am willing to drop the great job is this: someone else takes care of my daughter every day. I was at work when she took her first steps and cut her first tooth, and I'm just tired of missing out on her growing up. If we stay where we are, I keep the job and put the kids in daycare, I'll be missing out on all the same things with my little boy. I just don't want to do that anymore!
So, even starting this blog is a big leap of faith for me. I haven't shared my desire to stay home with many people (mainly because hubby hasn't gotten a job offer yet and I don't want word to get back to my boss!), but I want this so very badly. I know this is the design God has for my family . . . now if only we could figure out how He is going to pull this off!!

My prayer for today:
Father, please keep me close. I want to go where you send me, even if I have to sacrifice my home and my great career. Please give me the courage and faith to step out and do what you ask of me. Thank you for blessing us, and for providing for us in so many many ways. Thank you for showing us that you will continue to provide for our every need. Help me to keep this attitude of prayer throughout my day today, and always. Thank you most of all for the gift of salvation through your Son, that you would put Him to death for my sin. Keep me in all of your ways, Lord.
Amen