The Great Debate

I didn't brace myself for the hit this time.  I felt myself flinch a little, involuntarily, but I couldn't help it.  He's been doing this for months now, and as much as it hurts me to watch him bang his head on the floor, I can't always stop it.  He can't tell me what's wrong.

He leaves bruises sometimes, right in the middle of his forehead.  I try to remain calm, force down the tears and a sob that constricts my throat.  I hold him tight as he fights to bang his head on the wall, tries to head butt me.  Sometimes I sing to him, sometimes I pray.  Mostly I just beg him to stop.

"I don't think you beat him enough." 

Cough.

Thanks, bystander, that was no help at all.

Yes, I've been told things like this.  Old-school parents and folks who are 'just trying to help' want to tell me that I'm not tough enough with discipline, that a good swift spanking would 'shut him up'.

I'm not proud to say that I've tried that, spanking him, smacking him in the face to snap him out of his tirades.  It only elevates his anxiety. 

So I go back to the things I know . . . sing, sway, spin.  Never mind that the teakettle is whistling ("Does it hurt your ears?"), ignore the scared baby and the kid who needs help sounding out her reading.  Sit, sing, rock, spin. 

I'll carry you until my back goes out again.

~

The Great Debate?
Do we have him evaluated for Autism? 
Would there even be a point, with symptoms like these? 
Because this isn't about my oldest boy, the one who HAS been diagnosed.  This is his little brother. 
My brown-eyed boy. 
We've been 'treating' the whole family with the same part-AI Paleo guidelines--meat, veggies, fruit for dessert--and we've seen GREAT improvements with everyone's health.  Most dramatic has been our oldest boy, for sure.
But the next oldest boy.  My middle boy.  Mr. Brown Eyes.  Brown eyes, quick smile, lopsided dimple like mine.  
Middle brother.  He's showing a sense of humor, is much more social than his big brother was at this age, but the self-injury . . . oh, my heart is weary. 
~

I love them so, Lord.  Help me fix this.

All Things New (Part 2)

I am way too neglectful of this little corner I call mine.  Time to dust you off, little blog, while I have both hands free to put my thoughts in black and white.

~

My big guy was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder in January 2013.  It's been 10 months now, and I can't say that I'm any more acquainted with Autism now than I was before we knew what to call "it".  I had our fourth little one about a month after the diagnosis, hence the radio silence. 

I've gone through several ranges of emotions about our guy's Autism since he was diagnosed.  I've read a few books, pored over blogs until I can't see straight, read about this and that treatment, researched researched researched. 

Still not well acquainted with Autism.  I'm better acquainted with my boy, though. 

Through my blog-reading I read about biomedical treatments for Autism, and for now it's the way we decided to go.  We were awarded a grant through Generation Rescue to get started with biomed, and through that we ended up getting a couple comped appointments with a local ND.

Talk about changing my thinking.  Check kids for medical issues FIRST, before doing things like Occupational Therapy?  Umm, okay . . . so we did it.  We jumped in with both feet, and it's made a world of difference.  My only regret is that I haven't been logging the changes here!

We have completely re-vamped our diet, added some supplements, cleaned up our cleaners, and started using some essential oils for symptom management.  The changes have been, in a word, amazing.  I can have a conversation with my boy.  He's 77% toilet trained.  He's eating vegetables (not a lot, but it's voluntary!). 

Amazing. 

~

This has been a tough journey.  Nothing at all like I expected.
Looking back at previous blog posts, I wonder at the wide-eyed anticipation.  This journey, this Autism journey, is not what I signed up for, Lord.
But you knew this was coming, and you prepared me.