Decisions, decisions . . .

The uncomfortable feeling started a couple of weeks ago: a co-worker asked, as she passed my desk, "Can't you stay for another month?" I was in a really aggravated mood, and just snapped, "No." No discussion, no, "Oh, thanks, but . . ." I just answered her shortly, and thought the conversation was over.

Last week same co-worker commented on a Facebook note I'd posted that she was having abandonment issues. I replied with a sunshiny, "That's not my problem, dear!" Again, I thougth it was over.

Today in a meeting, my BOSS actually mentioned it in a sort-of joking manner. Honestly I'm not sure how serious she might have been. I couldn't bring myself to respond. It made me really uncomfortable!!

Now I have been pre-screening candidates for my position and have scheduled 5 interviews for them this week--and the cow eyes continue from members of my team. I really *really* don't want to be in the position of having to magnanimously decline the owners asking me to stick around. I gave them 6 weeks' notice. 6 weeks! That should have been enough time to troll around for candidates, in my opinion. I feel a little sorry for them, but what can I do? I warned them that this was going to happen! I'm just so aggravated, and hope they come up with a quick solution without any dramatics at my exit.

~

Meanwhile . . .

Packing continues and I am trying to decide what pieces of my garden I want to transplant to the new place. I was overjoyed the other morning when I discovered that my creeping thyme came back--hooray!! One less herb to buy for the garden!! So I have the thyme, chives, and peppermint that all came back. Yum! Sounds like the beginning to a tasty Indian or Greek dish!

Research continues on cloth diapering, and I'm getting ready to try my hand at making my own laundry detergent. It's such a strange juxtaposition: I'm in a modern office in the corporate world, talking about my transition to a SAHM DIY world. Less technology, but more work! Less coffee, but more kids! I'm still wondering how I'm going to adjust to all this.

I have 9 days left here. And yes, I AM counting these days!! Trying to make them count, but honestly not caring that I'm still here. Both feet are out the door, but the rest of me has a few days yet left to follow.

I'm excited, a little scared, but mostly excited and relieved that the Lord is answering my prayers!! Now I wonder: what does that mean? He's giving me my heart's desire: what is He asking for in return?

My home? Check.
My job? Check.
My kids? Check, check (and waiting on a check).
My marriage? Gave Him that a while ago.

Wondering what He's asking of me now? And even as I ask myself that question, I get the answer. My time.

~

Thank you Lord Jesus for your many many blessings. Thank you for the cross. Thank you for this day, for you have made it. Help me to be the woman you made me into!

Not yet

So I've just about had it with my job.

I feel like I can't get anything done, and when I do, it doesn't really matter anyway.

Okay, so I'm whining, but I would really rather stay home with my daughter right now. She keeps asking me to stay home--almost every day . . . and I keep having to say "Not today, honey. Not yet."

Not yet.

I don't know if that's just me, or if that's what the Lord has in mind right now. Honestly, sometimes I think I'd rather just quit my job and let the chips fall where they may. I would much rather be able to be there when my daughter scrapes her knee, than have to hear about it from our daycare provider. I would rather have the time to show her how to plant tulip bulbs, and to make pancakes, and to ride a bike when the time comes. I want to be able to take her (and her little brother, when he's born) out to lay in the grass and watch the clouds. I want to be there when she misbehaves, so I can tell her what God expects of a little girl. I want to fight with her so I can tell her I'm sorry. I want to teach her to sing.

But, not yet. I know I can do all these things in time, but not until the Lord--and my husband--say it's okay.

I want to be there before it's too late.

I want to be there before something tragic happens, like in my cousin's family. She worked full time, she loved her kids with everything she had in her . . . and now she's succumbing to the affects of 2 1/2 years of chemotherapy and radiation treatments. She's 42, and probably won't see this Thanksgiving. Her kids are 23, 21, 11 and 8.

Work just isn't worth missing out on my kids.


Heavenly Father,
Please give me your grace, I need it so badly today. I'm tired of complaining about work, I'm tired of missing out on my daughter, I'm tired of working, I'm just so stinking tired. I don't want to be afraid of running out of money, but I also want to pay my debts.
Thank you, my Jesus, for paying the price for my sinful life. Please show me how to be more like you, how to persevere in this race of life.
Holy Spirit, fall freshly on me today. Please keep me from harm, and from harming others.
Lord, keep me in all of your ways.
Amen

Distraction

Anyone else out there get distracted easily? I'm even having a hard time typing out this second sentence! Blah!!
Lately, I find myself lost in my own thoughts when I should be working. I don't want to be one of those daydreamer employees who does just enough to get by, but I'm afraid that's exactly the category I'm falling into at the moment. Dolly daydream . . .
Mostly I'm thinking about my daughter and what it will be like for her to have a little brother; I wonder how in the world we're going to get by on one income with all the out-standing debt we have; how I can be a better support for my husband as he's looking for more work.
We got word back from Arkansas--basically, hubby is asking for way more than this company can afford, so they're in the slary negotiating stage.
I'm no longer convinced that moving out of state is the answer to our financial issues. I'm really starting to want to figure out how we can stay put, I just have no idea how we're going to cover all the bills AND pay down debt.

Heavenly Father, hold us up. I'm so distracted lately that I'm having a hard time getting my work done . . . all I want to do is stay home with my daughter. It's hard getting out of bed each day and dropping her off at daycare. Please give me the strength and fortitude to keep pressing forward!
I love you Lord. Thank you for your mercy today. Amen