Today

I had big plans for the day.  You know what I mean. 

The dishes would be done, the kitchen clean.
I would finally get to mopping the wood floors.
I would have a chicken thawed, seasoned, stuffed, and in the oven half-done by the time hubby came home.  Chicken and roasted veggies.  Wholesome, no?
And the diapers would all be washed up and the rest of the laundry would be done.
Hubby would be impressed.

I woke up thanking the Lord--in advance!--for the gift of today.  Wasn't I being a good Christian mommy?

Yeah.

The baby is teething, and all three kids have had a cold.  And for some reason, some obnoxious mood has overtaken them.  They're kinetic today.  Mostly feeling better, but it seems they can't stop moving. 

Even in sleep. 

My middle child rolled off the toddler bed and bounced off a bookcase, splitting his lip, before thudding to the floor.  Howling broke through everyone's nap. 

And the diapers are all I've managed to clean.  I have blood on my sleeve.

Yeah.

Today.  It was one of those, "What in the world have I done?" days. 

So I must remind myself:
Owies kissed and snuggles given.
Breakfast and lunch (so far) enjoyed.
Diapers changed. 
Snacks eaten.
Train tracks laid.
Baby nursed.
Noses wiped.
Books read. 
Giggles shared.
Prayers breathed.

Today has been a productive day after all.

Post-partum depression

This was originally posted as a note on Facebook, on Friday, December 3, 2010.

Time to move my writing all to one place, huh?

Why don't we women talk about this? I mean, even to each other?

There shouldn't be any shame in having post-partum depression. I'm working through it myself right now, but for some reason have been reluctant to talk about it with anyone other than my mom and sister, and my sweet husband. Even talking with *them* about it is hard. (Thankfully my husband is the kind of guy that will listen without trying to fix everything for me!)

Hormone levels change drastically during pregnancy, at birth, and afterward when nursing is established: all these changing hormones can do a number on a woman's mood. Add in recovery from giving birth, punctuated sleep and the stress of your clothes not fitting, and drastic mood swings can result. I know a lot of this is common knowledge, but these are things I have to remind myself when the emptiness starts creeping in.

I haven't done the research, but I think the natural hormone change process is interrupted when a woman has a c-section, like me. Does that mean she is more likely than others to have PPD? I don't know. This is the first time I've had to deal with it, after three cesareans.

Depression is not a logical state of mind: after four years of praying and waiting, I am finally able to be home with my children--and I don't feel anything. Not happy, although we were extatic to welcome our newest son; not sad, though sometimes I can't stop the tears. Sometimes I feel lonely when I'm surrounded by my loving family. It doesn't make sense.

I can't sing. Those of you who know me well know that that's just not me. I sing when I'm cooking. I change a diaper, I'm singing to a little someone. When I'm driving, in the shower, cleaning, almost everywhere I go I'm singing something . . . but right now I just can't find the desire.

I'm not sharing this for sympathy, though I would appreciate your prayers as I travel this road. I'm also not looking for solutions--what I'm doing now seems to be working (dietary changes, rest, herbal supplements) and I'm back to functioning normally. I just want to encourage new and experienced mommies to be on the lookout for the signs, and please talk about how you're feeling with people you trust.

My symptoms surfaced suddenly, almost violently, and it was a real struggle for me to acknowledge that what was happening to me was depression. But it is, and I'm getting through it.

I still don't feel like myself but I can laugh with my kids again, and I know the Lord will help me find my voice again.

They're all asleep!!

Wow.
I can hardly believe my last post was in July. Crazy! Since then I left my beloved job, we took the kids out of daycare and we've moved to my brother's to be caretakers, and a little more than 8 weeks ago I gave birth to my newest little guy, Reece David.
Life can sure change fast.
And the only reason I'm sitting down to write is that everyone else in the house is snoozing! Ahh, sweet silence . . .
My hubby and I were discussing this just the other night: If you'd have told me last Christmas that in 2010 I would leave my job to be a SAHM, I would have a new baby, and that I'd be living in what amounts to my dream home, I'd have said you were certifiable.
Yet here I am.
Left my job. SAHM. New baby. 1870s farm house in a sleepy river town.
Crazy.
It certainly hasn't been easy, and it's not always fun, but somehow the extra hard work really is . . . easier. Maybe not easier--maybe it's just that I'm doing something worthwhile? It's harder work, but less--no, make that different--stress. There are rarely breaks (like now!) and no vacations. There are constant messes, noise, smelly bottoms, sticky faces . . . but there are also giggles, drool, toys, smiles and dimples that I would miss otherwise.
I've had to slog my way through the murky depths of post-partum depression, but I have a beautiful boy to show for it. I don't get to shower every day, and I rarely get to go potty without someone trailing along behind me, but my middle child doesn't care if I'm sitting on the toilet when I read to him. Forgiving boy.
My husband is really coming into his own, too. I'd say he's changed a lot in the last year, but maybe it's me that's changed: I see him how he really is now that I'm not distracted by so many outside things. He's stronger than I'd have imagined. More tender. Compassionate. Fun. He'd probably kick me for saying this, but I think he looks better with the extra grey hairs he's earned this year. I don't know about MY new greys, but his look really good. Mmm. I have a cute husband. Is it getting warm in here?
Occasional behavior issues and mountains of laundry aside, this has been a good move for us. The Lord has opened up tons of new possibilities for us: homeschooling, more children, adoption or foster care, maybe a new church home, new friends. Things I'd dreamed about before but were "impossible": With God all things are possible.
All things.