Decisions, decisions . . .

The uncomfortable feeling started a couple of weeks ago: a co-worker asked, as she passed my desk, "Can't you stay for another month?" I was in a really aggravated mood, and just snapped, "No." No discussion, no, "Oh, thanks, but . . ." I just answered her shortly, and thought the conversation was over.

Last week same co-worker commented on a Facebook note I'd posted that she was having abandonment issues. I replied with a sunshiny, "That's not my problem, dear!" Again, I thougth it was over.

Today in a meeting, my BOSS actually mentioned it in a sort-of joking manner. Honestly I'm not sure how serious she might have been. I couldn't bring myself to respond. It made me really uncomfortable!!

Now I have been pre-screening candidates for my position and have scheduled 5 interviews for them this week--and the cow eyes continue from members of my team. I really *really* don't want to be in the position of having to magnanimously decline the owners asking me to stick around. I gave them 6 weeks' notice. 6 weeks! That should have been enough time to troll around for candidates, in my opinion. I feel a little sorry for them, but what can I do? I warned them that this was going to happen! I'm just so aggravated, and hope they come up with a quick solution without any dramatics at my exit.

~

Meanwhile . . .

Packing continues and I am trying to decide what pieces of my garden I want to transplant to the new place. I was overjoyed the other morning when I discovered that my creeping thyme came back--hooray!! One less herb to buy for the garden!! So I have the thyme, chives, and peppermint that all came back. Yum! Sounds like the beginning to a tasty Indian or Greek dish!

Research continues on cloth diapering, and I'm getting ready to try my hand at making my own laundry detergent. It's such a strange juxtaposition: I'm in a modern office in the corporate world, talking about my transition to a SAHM DIY world. Less technology, but more work! Less coffee, but more kids! I'm still wondering how I'm going to adjust to all this.

I have 9 days left here. And yes, I AM counting these days!! Trying to make them count, but honestly not caring that I'm still here. Both feet are out the door, but the rest of me has a few days yet left to follow.

I'm excited, a little scared, but mostly excited and relieved that the Lord is answering my prayers!! Now I wonder: what does that mean? He's giving me my heart's desire: what is He asking for in return?

My home? Check.
My job? Check.
My kids? Check, check (and waiting on a check).
My marriage? Gave Him that a while ago.

Wondering what He's asking of me now? And even as I ask myself that question, I get the answer. My time.

~

Thank you Lord Jesus for your many many blessings. Thank you for the cross. Thank you for this day, for you have made it. Help me to be the woman you made me into!

Promised Land

I keep thinking about the Israelites, and wonder how they felt when they were told--after 40 years of wandering around that mountain--that they were finally allowed to enter the land promised to their forefathers.

Were they excited, or was the concept of the promised land--and the memory of slavery--so far removed from them that they didn't care or understand?

Maybe that's why I'm not more excited? The idea that I get to go home to my babies is still just so unreal to me. I trust the Lord; I'm doing research and making plans, hubby and I are crunching the numbers and making out a new budget, and things are looking good. It's just so unreal . . . but in that dream-like happy way.

I love my kids so much. I love my husband so much. I serve the biggest best God ever. And I love HIM so much!!

Submission

Submission is a hard thing. The Lord commands it . . . but I'm not a naturally submissive woman. Not that that's an acceptable excuse, I still need to submit to the Lord in all things, I just struggle with it.

I also struggle with trust: I've gone through hurts and have slow-healing scars, and that makes me hesitant sometimes. Not that that's an acceptable excuse either, it's just my reality at present.

~~~~~

I almost did something regrettable yesterday . . .

A well-meaning person, one I thought Biblically wise, suggested that perhaps my hubby and I needed a break from each other. The idea was for me to move myself and my children to mom's for a couple of weeks so hubby could get a handle on things at home.

I almost did it. Almost. I was this close to calling hubby and telling him my stupid stupid plan.

Thankfully I posted a message about it to a group of trusted prayer partners and one wise lady stepped up and told me the truth. I am so grateful for her. She lead me to these scriptures:

1 Corinthians 7:10

Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord:

A wife is not to depart from her husband.

~ ~ ~

Matthew 12:25

Jesus knew their thoughts and said to them,

"Every kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and

every city or household divided against itself will not stand."

Again, so thankful for her wisdom.

So I suppose I'll need an answer for the well-meaning friend with bad advice. I am choosing not to confront, but to answer honestly if they inquire about our situation. I don't think they meant to encourage division . . . and I won't hold it against them.

I just thank the Lord, weary as I am, that He is faithful and true, and worthy of all Praise and Honor and Glory.

~~~

Heavenly Father,

I know now that for me, trusting you starts with my letting go. So since I'm already dangling at the end of my rope, and since you are waiting to catch me, I may as well loose my grip and see what happens.

I confess this is really hard for me, and that I am desperately afraid of falling. I will keep my eyes on you.

I love you Lord.

Lead the way.

Illnesses

Why do they need to fight you when you're fighting for them? Seriously!
My oldest is sick and REFUSES to puke in the pan. She's strong-willed, but trying to convince her that her will is no match for the tummy flu is taking a long time to sink in. My poor baby. I hate feeling like there's nothing I can do for her.
I'm also trying to relay the message that sometimes answers to prayer are "No," and that that's okay. Trying to get across that we should praise God in all circumstances may be a tougher nut to crack today.

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Dear Lord Jesus, I don't want to catch this illness. Please keep me, hubby, and little brother safe from it? Please?

Still waiting

I can't believe it's been so long since I visited my little blog! Time sure flies, I guess.

Little Brother came along in late January and I've been running hard ever since. Big Sister has adjusted well to the addition, but it was a little touch-and-go for a while. Little has endured severe pats on the head, too-tight hugs and has literally been kicked when he was down. Tough boy, brother to a tougher girl.

I wish I could say I was closer to my heart's desire--to stay home with my kids--but I'm not. I've learned a lot on this journey so far, though:

• Having two kids is seventeen times the work of one. Or thereabouts.
  
• Boy babies are easier than girl babies. I heard this rumor once before, and now I'm a believer.
• I'm much more relaxed this time around than I was with #1. Perhaps it's experience, perhaps it's just fatigue. I suspect it's a combo.
• My husband is an awesome guy. He's taken to this kid raising thing well, and still manages to make me feel like a special lady. That is a wonderful thing!

I'm sure that one day we'll get this SAHM thing figured out, but I wish we could do it sooner than we are. Perhaps that isn't the Lord's plan for me now . . . I just have to wait on Him.

I still have my dream of staying home with the kids, maybe having one or two more, growing my own veggies in the summer and homeschooling. Maybe it'll happen yet . . .

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I'll be thirty this fall and I'm starting to feel less like a little kid, and more like an adult. When the heck did that happen?! When did my gray hairs become just a fact of life instead of an abhorrence? Not that I have so many, but they do stand out in dark brown hair . . . time to dig out the henna!

Not yet

So I've just about had it with my job.

I feel like I can't get anything done, and when I do, it doesn't really matter anyway.

Okay, so I'm whining, but I would really rather stay home with my daughter right now. She keeps asking me to stay home--almost every day . . . and I keep having to say "Not today, honey. Not yet."

Not yet.

I don't know if that's just me, or if that's what the Lord has in mind right now. Honestly, sometimes I think I'd rather just quit my job and let the chips fall where they may. I would much rather be able to be there when my daughter scrapes her knee, than have to hear about it from our daycare provider. I would rather have the time to show her how to plant tulip bulbs, and to make pancakes, and to ride a bike when the time comes. I want to be able to take her (and her little brother, when he's born) out to lay in the grass and watch the clouds. I want to be there when she misbehaves, so I can tell her what God expects of a little girl. I want to fight with her so I can tell her I'm sorry. I want to teach her to sing.

But, not yet. I know I can do all these things in time, but not until the Lord--and my husband--say it's okay.

I want to be there before it's too late.

I want to be there before something tragic happens, like in my cousin's family. She worked full time, she loved her kids with everything she had in her . . . and now she's succumbing to the affects of 2 1/2 years of chemotherapy and radiation treatments. She's 42, and probably won't see this Thanksgiving. Her kids are 23, 21, 11 and 8.

Work just isn't worth missing out on my kids.


Heavenly Father,
Please give me your grace, I need it so badly today. I'm tired of complaining about work, I'm tired of missing out on my daughter, I'm tired of working, I'm just so stinking tired. I don't want to be afraid of running out of money, but I also want to pay my debts.
Thank you, my Jesus, for paying the price for my sinful life. Please show me how to be more like you, how to persevere in this race of life.
Holy Spirit, fall freshly on me today. Please keep me from harm, and from harming others.
Lord, keep me in all of your ways.
Amen

Provision

Psalm 121 (NIV)
A song of ascents.
1 I lift up my eyes to the hills— where does my help come from? 2 My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. 3 He will not let your foot slip— he who watches over you will not slumber; 4 indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
5 The LORD watches over you—the LORD is your shade at your right hand; 6 the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. 7 The LORD will keep you from all harm—he will watch over your life; 8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.

Isn't God amazing?
It seems as though I just think of something I may need--immediately, or in the near future--and the Lord provides it to me. Everything from clothes for my daughter, to a couple sacks of potatoes left anonymously on my front porch. Of course, I pray for provision and to supply for my family, but more often than not, stuff just comes my way.
I got a call last night from a relative who has been handing down her daughter's old clothes for my daughter, and has also put some aside for my little boy for when he gets bigger. Plus, she has a barely-used play pen she wants to give us. Amazing! I was going to loan out a bassinet we got when our daughter was born--I may as well just give it away, because this playpen has a bassinet attachment, too!
Another friend gave me three HUGE boxes of little girl clothes recently, and I got a good lesson in letting go . . .
I'd spied some things that I'd wanted to save "just in case" we found out we were having a girl (even though I knew this one was a boy from the moment I had that positive pregnancy test). So, I shared some clothes with my sister-in-law, and she took some for a friend. Then I went through the bins again, and decided to call another friend to see if she wanted any clothes--she had just been going through her daughter's drawers, wondering where they were going to get money to buy more stuff for their little girl. Prayers answered for them!
She came over the next Sunday and poked through the bins. All sorts of cute little outfits I had wanted were being put into her pile, and she was taking some other stuff for a friend of her's that I'd never met . . . and I was getting jealous. I had wanted that one knit hat, and I had wanted that one dress. I pouted internally for a few days when I finally realized--the generosity of one friend had blessed five other families. Now, imagine if I had hoarded everything away for myself. That would have been real nice, wouldn't it? Knowing others needed clothes for their kids and I stashed away a bunch for myself. And for what purpose? To molder in a closet somewhere, or get musty in the basement? I certainly wasn't going to wear them!
Well, like I said, it took me a few days, but I got over it. Now, I'm kind of excited because the stuff left over in the bins is all too small for my little girl, but a friend of mine (due two days after me) just learned that she's having a girl! And she wants to do a trade--my girl stuff for the things her little boy has outgrown.
One person cleaning out closets blessed SIX families. That's multiplication I can appreciate! And I'd thought about keeping all that stuff . . .

My prayer today: Lord, help me to remember others on my journey, and throughout my day. Help me to fill the needs I see, however I can, and to remember that my treasure is in heaven. Thank you again and again for your provision. Amen

Conviction

On my way home from work yesterday, I heard a message on the radio from Chuck Bentley of Crown Financial Ministries. Chuck was talking about the *ahem* mess, in our ecomony, and it got me thinking:
How much have I really given up for my family's financial wellbeing? There are things some would call 'essentials' that my hubby and I have decided to do without, such as:

• Fancy cell phones & plans (we "pay as we go" and our phones are 3 years old! They don't have built-in cameras!! Gasp!)
• Cable or satelite TV (I'm satisfied not knowing what I'm missing)
• Tivo (don't watch much network TV anyhow)
• NetFlix (we go to the library for free video rental)
• Brand-new cars (mine's 17 years old! How old is yours?)
• Brand-new computers (hubby's dad built his machine)
• Power Ball tickets (we don't like gambling)
• Regular trips to the salon (I "dye" for my color)
• Out-of-town vacations
• Dates where we actually spend money

Truth be told, we are not doing very well financially, despite the things we've decided to do without. That's part of the reason for hubby's feverish job search--the other part being our desire to have me stay home with my babies. Once baby boy arrives in January we won't be able to make all our bills, and have the kids in daycare so I can go to work. That's what we're facing right now--the "which bills do we pay this month" lottery. I'm not looking forward to it.

So, this radio program last night really got me thinking about what else we could be doing to save money, and where else we could trim our budget--and totally convicted me of my own selfish nature. During the radio broadcast, the host mentioned getting a question from a listener--basically like "okay, Mr. financial-smarty-pants guy, if our national leaders came to you to ask what you think they should do about the current financial crisis, what would you say?"--and he answered it in a way I didn't really expect. His short answer was this--that he'd tell our national leaders to turn back to God. (Read more of Chuck's message here.) Chuck cites this verse, from 2 Chronicles 7:

13 "When I shut up the heavens so that there is no rain, or command locusts to devour the land or send a plague among my people, 14 if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land.”

That message totally hit me in the gut: we may not be dealing with locusts, but we are dealing with greed and that can be just as damaging, if not more so. Here I am with a car that runs, a job that pays well and covers my insurance . . . the list went on and on, but it all boils down to my first question: How much have I really given up for my family's financial wellbeing?

So, he doesn't know this yet, but my hubby and I are going to start exploring the public transportation system and the feasibility of living with one car, shopping for cheaper insurance, getting more creative with the crock pot and cooking at home, living (gasp!) without super-fast internet (or without internet at all), and the possibility of working opposite shifts so one of us can stay home with kids while the other one works, shopping at the dollar stores and discount grocery chains and skipping out on frozen pizza.

My prayer for today: Heavenly Father, I'm scared. I don't know where the money will come from. I don't really know that money is the answer to our troubles. I don't know what the answer to our financial mess is, but I do know this for sure--it's our fault we're in this mess in the first place, and I'm totally ashamed of it. Father, I'm sorry for my selfishness, and my unwillingness to be satisfied with what you have provided. Please, teach me to be satisfied with you, and please help us figure this out!

Genesis

Why Genesis?
I'm not exactly referring to the first book in the Bible here, but I am just starting this blog about my faith walk so I figured "Genesis" was a good place to start. Genesis means "birth" or "origin," which seems fitting as my family of three is getting bigger by one this January, and hopefully we'll be starting a new life as our baby boy's life begins.
This new life would involve me finally being able to be a stay-at-home mom, which is something that's been on my heart for a REALLY long time. This new life may also involve a big move for our family, as my dear hubby is looking for a new job anywhere and everywhere, which at the moment includes Arkansas.
My desire right now is to follow where God leads. I don't know if that means that I'll get to quit my job soon or not, but I would sure love to! Don't get me wrong--my job is a little boring, but it's stable, I have great co-workers and incredible benefits. I get out of the house every day, I get a decent paycheck, I'm contributing to my household income and to the tax base, I provide a valuable service to my employer . . . So why do I want to leave this all behind?
Frankly, I've been asking myself the same thing. Sure, as great as the job is, there is occasional friction between me and a boss; I have deadlines that are dependant on others doing their work first, which usually doesn't happen on time; I have an aggravating co-worker or two. But that's typical work stuff that everybody goes through, no matter what business they're in.
The main reason I am willing to drop the great job is this: someone else takes care of my daughter every day. I was at work when she took her first steps and cut her first tooth, and I'm just tired of missing out on her growing up. If we stay where we are, I keep the job and put the kids in daycare, I'll be missing out on all the same things with my little boy. I just don't want to do that anymore!
So, even starting this blog is a big leap of faith for me. I haven't shared my desire to stay home with many people (mainly because hubby hasn't gotten a job offer yet and I don't want word to get back to my boss!), but I want this so very badly. I know this is the design God has for my family . . . now if only we could figure out how He is going to pull this off!!

My prayer for today:
Father, please keep me close. I want to go where you send me, even if I have to sacrifice my home and my great career. Please give me the courage and faith to step out and do what you ask of me. Thank you for blessing us, and for providing for us in so many many ways. Thank you for showing us that you will continue to provide for our every need. Help me to keep this attitude of prayer throughout my day today, and always. Thank you most of all for the gift of salvation through your Son, that you would put Him to death for my sin. Keep me in all of your ways, Lord.
Amen