All Things New (Part 1)

Wow.  It's been a while.  This last summer we had some major changes, and I forgot about you, little blog.  Well, not entirely.  You've been remade 17 times in my mind, and when I logged in today I discovered that none of those changes had been made!  Amazing how things don't get done if I don't do them.  Hmm.

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This last summer I decided to take the fight for our boy to a new level.  My middle child (who is becoming the second of four, come Feb 2013), the one who fell off the bed in his sleep and split his lip, has been having more troubles.  I had tried to write it all off as just 'boys are like that sometimes'.  But there was still the nagging feeling at the back of my mind, and the more issues that sprang up, the more I talked with our doctor, the more I started to hear, "Oh, he'll grow out of (insert symptom)," the more that little nagging feeling became a suspicion.

Since he was 6 months old our guy's had eczema.  Now, at almost 4, he's had digestive issues, major tantrum issues, communication difficulties, is refusing to toilet train, he self-injures, sleeps very little (which results in ME sleeping very little), is obsessive about certain toys and videos, runs in circles waving his hands . . . I could go on and on.  We've tried 6 or 7 OTC lotions, creams, essential oils and bath additives, 2 or 3 prescriptions, and nothing gave him much relief from his eczema.  In fact, most of his bed sheets are blood stained from his scratching. 

I read about trying an elimination diet to see if he had food allergies, tried removing gluten and things improved a little:  his eczema was less severe, he was sleeping better and his mood and cooperation had improved.  I took him back to the MD with our findings and asked for a referral to an allergist.  After two negative IGA screens and one negative RAST test, I felt so frustrated.  That doctor said, point blank, "I don't think his issues are food related." 
"Bull****," I thought.  "This HAS to be food related."  So I kept on reading.  Some friends had been posting info on Facebook about the Paleo diet, and so we tried that.  One article caught my eye:  these parents made major changes to the way their family eats, and found that health improvements were dramatic and started immediately. 

We started a modified Paleo diet (included rice and gluten-free oats) and saw dramatic improvements in everyone's health in just a few weeks.  It didn't completely resolve the eczema issue, but after seeing the behavior improvements in our boy, I thought we were on the right track. 

**I feel at this point it's important to say that I am SO grateful for a gal named Kim.  If not for her, listening astutely to the complaints of a confused and sleep-deprived momma and offering her opinion (despite the fact that it could make me mad, she said), we wouldn't be where we are.  Thank you, my dear, for helping me put the puzzle together, and for caring enough to speak up--even when it might be uncomfortable.**

~

TBC

Post-partum Depression, Part 3

This morning in my prayer closet (AKA, the shower), I had a remarkable conversation with God and I came to the realization that I needed to give myself permission to get better. Isn't that strange?

All this time I was praying for the odd combination of numbness and pain to cease, to have it taken from me so that I could get on with my life as I'd hoped it would be. Over the last few months my prayer changed from, "Help me! Take this pain away!" to, "Lord, take me through this," to, "Lord, have your way in me," to, simply, "Be glorified."

Thing is, I've been re-discovering how God uses the difficulties in my life to refine me as a Christian. Not just as a woman, or a daughter, or a mom, or Steve's wife (even though we've been inseparable for nearly 14 years), but as a child of God. God, as my refiner, turns up the heat now and then to burn off the junk he won't use. The fire hurts. It burns and blisters and I cry out in pain even as He re-creates who I am IN HIM. The Refiner holds me tightly in His grip even as I fight the process. I don't need my hang-ups, they can be burned away. I don't need past hurts lived over and over in my mind, nor do I need to let current trials define who I am in Christ. Fact is, I'm a blood-bought princess, a daughter of the Most High, not worthy to be saved but saved nonetheless. Mercy flows over old wounds and I'm healed. Love poured out red at the cross.

I know this might all seem like some weird code for those of you who are not in Christ, and maybe it is! But those of you who DO know Him know what I'm talking about: hope of healing is hope for what we haven't experienced yet, because the PROMISE of healing is all over the Bible. Not just my healing from depression, but from the hurt of disregard, from the pain of rejection and the bitterness of betrayal, to the deep throbbing ache that comes out of mourning. Healing comes. Not in my time, but in His time. And it comes over and over, even as we find we're bleeding afresh.

I think God allows heartbreak in this life so that He can re-shape us, re-work our hearts into vessels He will fill. If the heart is never broken, how can all the selfishness come out? How can we be rid of the junk we invest our hearts in, if they're locked tight against God? I've locked myself up inside for so long . . . and I really thought I was protecting myself, because depression is a self-focused thing.


The reality is, the only way for me to be free of the "me-ness" was for the lockbox I'd made my heart into to be gently chisled open by the wounded hands of Christ. Even as Jesus held me in my pain, I held the hammer that would drive the nails through his flesh and into the cross. MY sin (and yours) held him there. He died. He was buried and when He rose He bought for us new life.

I am humbled. I am brought low in the knowledge that the King of Heaven did this because He doesn't want to part with me, but to be with me for eternity.

I am undone, and yet made whole. A lock box may be whole, but it is locked.

A chipped, marred, uneven and imperfect vessel is more useful than a locked box without a key.

Fill me up and pour me out, Jesus, as imperfect a vessel as I am. I have no need for locks any longer.

You bought my freedom. Please help me not to waste it.

A picture of me

This was originally posted as a note on Facebook, on  Monday, April 25, 2011.

Time to move my writing all to one place, huh? 

The realization took my breath away, literally stopping me in my tracks halfway to the breakfast table.

My girl and I had just gone round and round and round . . . she was crying, screaming, stomping and generally throwing a fit because she'd gotten something in her eye. I kept telling her I needed to take a look, touch her face, make sure she was okay. She calmed down, then the stinging returned and the jumping crying fit started over again. For nearly half an hour we were at it: me, trying to make sure she was not cut or injuring herself further, she, trying to rub her eye and relieve the pain.

Finally she'd cried it out, whatever it was, calmed down, and we were able to get on with making our scrambled eggs.

I finished cooking our meal and was bringing it to the table when I discovered, once again, that God has a great sense of humor. The realization that left me breathless was this: the screaming crying stomping fit I'd been trying to quell was a perfect picture of how I have acted when wounded, though the struggle is internal.

Often in my life, I find that when something hurts I call for help (through prayer), help comes (like me going to my daughter, my Savior comes to me), and I fight the help. I calm down long enough to allow Him to touch the hurting places, but only long enough for the pain to start again, then I start crying and throwing a fit (of sorts). WHY do I do that? Why do any of us do that?! We ask God to help us and when He shows up, we won't let Him touch our wound. It's madness

I'm going through a Bible study with some girls from church--it's on freedom in Christ--and we're tackling the topic of forgiveness. The emotional mess I've found myself in with my PPD has helped to open my eyes to old junk I was hanging on to, specifically--unforgiveness. That was another breathless realization. I honestly thought I'd dealt with some of the old hurts, but in reality I'd buried the pain under performance and a well-polished mask. Yuck. This was not a place I expected to go when I started this study. I was *hoping* for freedom from the depression. Fortunately for me, my Savior knows what I *truly* needed--to let go of past hurts through forgiveness--and He was faithful to lead me to it.

So as I ponder this truth, it brings me to another . . . the reason I haven't been able to sing. Of course, I still have the ability, such as it is, but the desire and real passion for music and praising God has been absent for almost a year. I haven't "felt" it but couldn't put my finger on it. It was like every time I went to lay down the offering something was holding me back, barring me from the altar.

“Truly I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” 

Mark 11:23-25

I had been asking for healing, but not truly believing it would come. My frustrated prayer that changed from "Help me!" to "Be Glorified!" let me see how I was scratching scars and keeping them open, raw, prone to infection. I was rubbing my wounds instead of inviting my Savior to come in and heal them, just like Rachael rubbed her eye when it hurt. Wow. I was carrying hurt around that was keeping me out of the throne room, away from the altar, like when you try to walk through a doorway holding a broom horizontally in front of you, it bars the way. Wow again.

So again I'm laying it down again , and will continue to do so. It's the only way I can re-focus my attention on what truly matters here: giving my Savior what He's asked of me.

Everything.

Endings

Sometimes I have to refrain from rolling my eyes. I know partings can be difficult, but the moping thing going on around here is getting a little annoying.
I know, I know . . . I should be loving on these people, but I'm emotionally detatching. It's easier for me to leave *glad to leave* than *sad to leave.* I am sad to leave, but I am very very happy to be going!
I will miss the people.
I will not miss the sniping.
I will miss the busy time, the tasks, the productiveness of working.
I will not have to miss my children. That productiveness is what matters most!
And the sniping.
Good grief.
What ever happened to the "Thumper Rule"? Read lthis aloud, ike you're a fluffy grey animated bunny: "If yuh can't say sumpthin' nice . . . uh . . . don' say nothin' at all." Then, waggle your fluffy tale proudly. Good bunny.
One co-worker is prone to . . . how do I put this . . . drama. Drama of all types. Melodrama, even. This is also the co-worker who--in various and assorted ways, and on numerous occasions--has sought to deal me a glancing blow to the ego. Not that I have much of an ego left, after laboring for 37 hours with my first child before crying for a cesarean, but still. Is there really any point to denigrating another person? To serve out sniping little comments that are meant to be teasing or jokes?
And then to call and say, "(giggle) I wanted to apologize for being such a b**ch. (snicker)"
That's not an apology.
That's downright rude.
I am so glad that this is my last week here. Now I can just ease out from under the oppression that is this personality.
But, alas--she has my cell phone number.
And I--triumphantly--have caller ID on my cell. That's a good thing.

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I WANT TO BE ABLE TO FORGIVE THIS PERSON AND MOVE ON.
I just don't think I can continue a friendship, even though I know that's what she'll try to do. Ugh. Lord, help me to see her through your eyes: because all I want to do, is call attention to her claims at Christianity and point out how she's NOT acting Christ-like. Ugh again.
Please help me to "be a channel of your peace," and not to sew dischord.
Please help me to shine your light instead of pushing others toward darkness.
Work through me, if you will.
AMEN

Beauty from ashes

I've been praying that the Lord would use my mistakes and unfortunate past experiences for His glory, and I'm starting to see that happen. I was able to minister to a friend today, to help her remember His hope for her hopeless situation . . . it was amazing. She has the mark of Grace on her life, true grace. She could choose bitterness, but chose instead graciousness. She chose truth over a lie. She chose God's Word over her feelings. She has every reason to be unforgiving, but is choosing instead to forgive. I am so proud of her.
God is so good!!
I don't know what the end result of our prayers will be, but I'm excited to see what happens. We're hoping for the best, praying against the worst, and waiting on the Lord.
God used the beautiful end result of my presumably hopeless situation, and turned it into hope for my friend. I love that.

Isaiah 40:31 (New International Version)
31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

He said He will renew our strength, He'll give us wings to fly.

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I remember reading once that revenge is like swallowing poison in the hopes that another will die, and I believe that is true. What freedom there is in forgiveness!

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Praise report!! My husband got a new job: it's a temp-to-hire situation, and I'm praying that it's just another step toward home for me. My journey to being a stay-at-home momma is becoming more real to me all the time. Hubby is actually talking about "having another one!" Is he always going to get baby-fever before me? We're definitely becoming a quiverfully-minded couple, and much quicker than I'd anticipated.

Psalm 127
A song of ascents. Of Solomon.

1 Unless the LORD builds the house,

its builders labor in vain.

Unless the LORD watches over the city,

the watchmen stand guard in vain.
2 In vain you rise early

and stay up late,

toiling for food to eat—

for he grants sleep to [a] those he loves.
3 Sons are a heritage from the LORD,

children a reward from him.
4 Like arrows in the hands of a warrior

are sons born in one's youth.
5 Blessed is the man

whose quiver is full of them.

They will not be put to shame

when they contend with their enemies in the gate.

Submission

Submission is a hard thing. The Lord commands it . . . but I'm not a naturally submissive woman. Not that that's an acceptable excuse, I still need to submit to the Lord in all things, I just struggle with it.

I also struggle with trust: I've gone through hurts and have slow-healing scars, and that makes me hesitant sometimes. Not that that's an acceptable excuse either, it's just my reality at present.

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I almost did something regrettable yesterday . . .

A well-meaning person, one I thought Biblically wise, suggested that perhaps my hubby and I needed a break from each other. The idea was for me to move myself and my children to mom's for a couple of weeks so hubby could get a handle on things at home.

I almost did it. Almost. I was this close to calling hubby and telling him my stupid stupid plan.

Thankfully I posted a message about it to a group of trusted prayer partners and one wise lady stepped up and told me the truth. I am so grateful for her. She lead me to these scriptures:

1 Corinthians 7:10

Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord:

A wife is not to depart from her husband.

~ ~ ~

Matthew 12:25

Jesus knew their thoughts and said to them,

"Every kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and

every city or household divided against itself will not stand."

Again, so thankful for her wisdom.

So I suppose I'll need an answer for the well-meaning friend with bad advice. I am choosing not to confront, but to answer honestly if they inquire about our situation. I don't think they meant to encourage division . . . and I won't hold it against them.

I just thank the Lord, weary as I am, that He is faithful and true, and worthy of all Praise and Honor and Glory.

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Heavenly Father,

I know now that for me, trusting you starts with my letting go. So since I'm already dangling at the end of my rope, and since you are waiting to catch me, I may as well loose my grip and see what happens.

I confess this is really hard for me, and that I am desperately afraid of falling. I will keep my eyes on you.

I love you Lord.

Lead the way.

Illnesses

Why do they need to fight you when you're fighting for them? Seriously!
My oldest is sick and REFUSES to puke in the pan. She's strong-willed, but trying to convince her that her will is no match for the tummy flu is taking a long time to sink in. My poor baby. I hate feeling like there's nothing I can do for her.
I'm also trying to relay the message that sometimes answers to prayer are "No," and that that's okay. Trying to get across that we should praise God in all circumstances may be a tougher nut to crack today.

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Dear Lord Jesus, I don't want to catch this illness. Please keep me, hubby, and little brother safe from it? Please?

Provision

Psalm 121 (NIV)
A song of ascents.
1 I lift up my eyes to the hills— where does my help come from? 2 My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. 3 He will not let your foot slip— he who watches over you will not slumber; 4 indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
5 The LORD watches over you—the LORD is your shade at your right hand; 6 the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. 7 The LORD will keep you from all harm—he will watch over your life; 8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.

Isn't God amazing?
It seems as though I just think of something I may need--immediately, or in the near future--and the Lord provides it to me. Everything from clothes for my daughter, to a couple sacks of potatoes left anonymously on my front porch. Of course, I pray for provision and to supply for my family, but more often than not, stuff just comes my way.
I got a call last night from a relative who has been handing down her daughter's old clothes for my daughter, and has also put some aside for my little boy for when he gets bigger. Plus, she has a barely-used play pen she wants to give us. Amazing! I was going to loan out a bassinet we got when our daughter was born--I may as well just give it away, because this playpen has a bassinet attachment, too!
Another friend gave me three HUGE boxes of little girl clothes recently, and I got a good lesson in letting go . . .
I'd spied some things that I'd wanted to save "just in case" we found out we were having a girl (even though I knew this one was a boy from the moment I had that positive pregnancy test). So, I shared some clothes with my sister-in-law, and she took some for a friend. Then I went through the bins again, and decided to call another friend to see if she wanted any clothes--she had just been going through her daughter's drawers, wondering where they were going to get money to buy more stuff for their little girl. Prayers answered for them!
She came over the next Sunday and poked through the bins. All sorts of cute little outfits I had wanted were being put into her pile, and she was taking some other stuff for a friend of her's that I'd never met . . . and I was getting jealous. I had wanted that one knit hat, and I had wanted that one dress. I pouted internally for a few days when I finally realized--the generosity of one friend had blessed five other families. Now, imagine if I had hoarded everything away for myself. That would have been real nice, wouldn't it? Knowing others needed clothes for their kids and I stashed away a bunch for myself. And for what purpose? To molder in a closet somewhere, or get musty in the basement? I certainly wasn't going to wear them!
Well, like I said, it took me a few days, but I got over it. Now, I'm kind of excited because the stuff left over in the bins is all too small for my little girl, but a friend of mine (due two days after me) just learned that she's having a girl! And she wants to do a trade--my girl stuff for the things her little boy has outgrown.
One person cleaning out closets blessed SIX families. That's multiplication I can appreciate! And I'd thought about keeping all that stuff . . .

My prayer today: Lord, help me to remember others on my journey, and throughout my day. Help me to fill the needs I see, however I can, and to remember that my treasure is in heaven. Thank you again and again for your provision. Amen

Genesis

Why Genesis?
I'm not exactly referring to the first book in the Bible here, but I am just starting this blog about my faith walk so I figured "Genesis" was a good place to start. Genesis means "birth" or "origin," which seems fitting as my family of three is getting bigger by one this January, and hopefully we'll be starting a new life as our baby boy's life begins.
This new life would involve me finally being able to be a stay-at-home mom, which is something that's been on my heart for a REALLY long time. This new life may also involve a big move for our family, as my dear hubby is looking for a new job anywhere and everywhere, which at the moment includes Arkansas.
My desire right now is to follow where God leads. I don't know if that means that I'll get to quit my job soon or not, but I would sure love to! Don't get me wrong--my job is a little boring, but it's stable, I have great co-workers and incredible benefits. I get out of the house every day, I get a decent paycheck, I'm contributing to my household income and to the tax base, I provide a valuable service to my employer . . . So why do I want to leave this all behind?
Frankly, I've been asking myself the same thing. Sure, as great as the job is, there is occasional friction between me and a boss; I have deadlines that are dependant on others doing their work first, which usually doesn't happen on time; I have an aggravating co-worker or two. But that's typical work stuff that everybody goes through, no matter what business they're in.
The main reason I am willing to drop the great job is this: someone else takes care of my daughter every day. I was at work when she took her first steps and cut her first tooth, and I'm just tired of missing out on her growing up. If we stay where we are, I keep the job and put the kids in daycare, I'll be missing out on all the same things with my little boy. I just don't want to do that anymore!
So, even starting this blog is a big leap of faith for me. I haven't shared my desire to stay home with many people (mainly because hubby hasn't gotten a job offer yet and I don't want word to get back to my boss!), but I want this so very badly. I know this is the design God has for my family . . . now if only we could figure out how He is going to pull this off!!

My prayer for today:
Father, please keep me close. I want to go where you send me, even if I have to sacrifice my home and my great career. Please give me the courage and faith to step out and do what you ask of me. Thank you for blessing us, and for providing for us in so many many ways. Thank you for showing us that you will continue to provide for our every need. Help me to keep this attitude of prayer throughout my day today, and always. Thank you most of all for the gift of salvation through your Son, that you would put Him to death for my sin. Keep me in all of your ways, Lord.
Amen