Post-partum depression

This was originally posted as a note on Facebook, on Friday, December 3, 2010.

Time to move my writing all to one place, huh?

Why don't we women talk about this? I mean, even to each other?

There shouldn't be any shame in having post-partum depression. I'm working through it myself right now, but for some reason have been reluctant to talk about it with anyone other than my mom and sister, and my sweet husband. Even talking with *them* about it is hard. (Thankfully my husband is the kind of guy that will listen without trying to fix everything for me!)

Hormone levels change drastically during pregnancy, at birth, and afterward when nursing is established: all these changing hormones can do a number on a woman's mood. Add in recovery from giving birth, punctuated sleep and the stress of your clothes not fitting, and drastic mood swings can result. I know a lot of this is common knowledge, but these are things I have to remind myself when the emptiness starts creeping in.

I haven't done the research, but I think the natural hormone change process is interrupted when a woman has a c-section, like me. Does that mean she is more likely than others to have PPD? I don't know. This is the first time I've had to deal with it, after three cesareans.

Depression is not a logical state of mind: after four years of praying and waiting, I am finally able to be home with my children--and I don't feel anything. Not happy, although we were extatic to welcome our newest son; not sad, though sometimes I can't stop the tears. Sometimes I feel lonely when I'm surrounded by my loving family. It doesn't make sense.

I can't sing. Those of you who know me well know that that's just not me. I sing when I'm cooking. I change a diaper, I'm singing to a little someone. When I'm driving, in the shower, cleaning, almost everywhere I go I'm singing something . . . but right now I just can't find the desire.

I'm not sharing this for sympathy, though I would appreciate your prayers as I travel this road. I'm also not looking for solutions--what I'm doing now seems to be working (dietary changes, rest, herbal supplements) and I'm back to functioning normally. I just want to encourage new and experienced mommies to be on the lookout for the signs, and please talk about how you're feeling with people you trust.

My symptoms surfaced suddenly, almost violently, and it was a real struggle for me to acknowledge that what was happening to me was depression. But it is, and I'm getting through it.

I still don't feel like myself but I can laugh with my kids again, and I know the Lord will help me find my voice again.