Endings

Sometimes I have to refrain from rolling my eyes. I know partings can be difficult, but the moping thing going on around here is getting a little annoying.
I know, I know . . . I should be loving on these people, but I'm emotionally detatching. It's easier for me to leave *glad to leave* than *sad to leave.* I am sad to leave, but I am very very happy to be going!
I will miss the people.
I will not miss the sniping.
I will miss the busy time, the tasks, the productiveness of working.
I will not have to miss my children. That productiveness is what matters most!
And the sniping.
Good grief.
What ever happened to the "Thumper Rule"? Read lthis aloud, ike you're a fluffy grey animated bunny: "If yuh can't say sumpthin' nice . . . uh . . . don' say nothin' at all." Then, waggle your fluffy tale proudly. Good bunny.
One co-worker is prone to . . . how do I put this . . . drama. Drama of all types. Melodrama, even. This is also the co-worker who--in various and assorted ways, and on numerous occasions--has sought to deal me a glancing blow to the ego. Not that I have much of an ego left, after laboring for 37 hours with my first child before crying for a cesarean, but still. Is there really any point to denigrating another person? To serve out sniping little comments that are meant to be teasing or jokes?
And then to call and say, "(giggle) I wanted to apologize for being such a b**ch. (snicker)"
That's not an apology.
That's downright rude.
I am so glad that this is my last week here. Now I can just ease out from under the oppression that is this personality.
But, alas--she has my cell phone number.
And I--triumphantly--have caller ID on my cell. That's a good thing.

~~

I WANT TO BE ABLE TO FORGIVE THIS PERSON AND MOVE ON.
I just don't think I can continue a friendship, even though I know that's what she'll try to do. Ugh. Lord, help me to see her through your eyes: because all I want to do, is call attention to her claims at Christianity and point out how she's NOT acting Christ-like. Ugh again.
Please help me to "be a channel of your peace," and not to sew dischord.
Please help me to shine your light instead of pushing others toward darkness.
Work through me, if you will.
AMEN

Decisions, decisions . . .

The uncomfortable feeling started a couple of weeks ago: a co-worker asked, as she passed my desk, "Can't you stay for another month?" I was in a really aggravated mood, and just snapped, "No." No discussion, no, "Oh, thanks, but . . ." I just answered her shortly, and thought the conversation was over.

Last week same co-worker commented on a Facebook note I'd posted that she was having abandonment issues. I replied with a sunshiny, "That's not my problem, dear!" Again, I thougth it was over.

Today in a meeting, my BOSS actually mentioned it in a sort-of joking manner. Honestly I'm not sure how serious she might have been. I couldn't bring myself to respond. It made me really uncomfortable!!

Now I have been pre-screening candidates for my position and have scheduled 5 interviews for them this week--and the cow eyes continue from members of my team. I really *really* don't want to be in the position of having to magnanimously decline the owners asking me to stick around. I gave them 6 weeks' notice. 6 weeks! That should have been enough time to troll around for candidates, in my opinion. I feel a little sorry for them, but what can I do? I warned them that this was going to happen! I'm just so aggravated, and hope they come up with a quick solution without any dramatics at my exit.

~

Meanwhile . . .

Packing continues and I am trying to decide what pieces of my garden I want to transplant to the new place. I was overjoyed the other morning when I discovered that my creeping thyme came back--hooray!! One less herb to buy for the garden!! So I have the thyme, chives, and peppermint that all came back. Yum! Sounds like the beginning to a tasty Indian or Greek dish!

Research continues on cloth diapering, and I'm getting ready to try my hand at making my own laundry detergent. It's such a strange juxtaposition: I'm in a modern office in the corporate world, talking about my transition to a SAHM DIY world. Less technology, but more work! Less coffee, but more kids! I'm still wondering how I'm going to adjust to all this.

I have 9 days left here. And yes, I AM counting these days!! Trying to make them count, but honestly not caring that I'm still here. Both feet are out the door, but the rest of me has a few days yet left to follow.

I'm excited, a little scared, but mostly excited and relieved that the Lord is answering my prayers!! Now I wonder: what does that mean? He's giving me my heart's desire: what is He asking for in return?

My home? Check.
My job? Check.
My kids? Check, check (and waiting on a check).
My marriage? Gave Him that a while ago.

Wondering what He's asking of me now? And even as I ask myself that question, I get the answer. My time.

~

Thank you Lord Jesus for your many many blessings. Thank you for the cross. Thank you for this day, for you have made it. Help me to be the woman you made me into!

Submission

Submission is a hard thing. The Lord commands it . . . but I'm not a naturally submissive woman. Not that that's an acceptable excuse, I still need to submit to the Lord in all things, I just struggle with it.

I also struggle with trust: I've gone through hurts and have slow-healing scars, and that makes me hesitant sometimes. Not that that's an acceptable excuse either, it's just my reality at present.

~~~~~

I almost did something regrettable yesterday . . .

A well-meaning person, one I thought Biblically wise, suggested that perhaps my hubby and I needed a break from each other. The idea was for me to move myself and my children to mom's for a couple of weeks so hubby could get a handle on things at home.

I almost did it. Almost. I was this close to calling hubby and telling him my stupid stupid plan.

Thankfully I posted a message about it to a group of trusted prayer partners and one wise lady stepped up and told me the truth. I am so grateful for her. She lead me to these scriptures:

1 Corinthians 7:10

Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord:

A wife is not to depart from her husband.

~ ~ ~

Matthew 12:25

Jesus knew their thoughts and said to them,

"Every kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and

every city or household divided against itself will not stand."

Again, so thankful for her wisdom.

So I suppose I'll need an answer for the well-meaning friend with bad advice. I am choosing not to confront, but to answer honestly if they inquire about our situation. I don't think they meant to encourage division . . . and I won't hold it against them.

I just thank the Lord, weary as I am, that He is faithful and true, and worthy of all Praise and Honor and Glory.

~~~

Heavenly Father,

I know now that for me, trusting you starts with my letting go. So since I'm already dangling at the end of my rope, and since you are waiting to catch me, I may as well loose my grip and see what happens.

I confess this is really hard for me, and that I am desperately afraid of falling. I will keep my eyes on you.

I love you Lord.

Lead the way.

Illnesses

Why do they need to fight you when you're fighting for them? Seriously!
My oldest is sick and REFUSES to puke in the pan. She's strong-willed, but trying to convince her that her will is no match for the tummy flu is taking a long time to sink in. My poor baby. I hate feeling like there's nothing I can do for her.
I'm also trying to relay the message that sometimes answers to prayer are "No," and that that's okay. Trying to get across that we should praise God in all circumstances may be a tougher nut to crack today.

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Dear Lord Jesus, I don't want to catch this illness. Please keep me, hubby, and little brother safe from it? Please?

Not yet

So I've just about had it with my job.

I feel like I can't get anything done, and when I do, it doesn't really matter anyway.

Okay, so I'm whining, but I would really rather stay home with my daughter right now. She keeps asking me to stay home--almost every day . . . and I keep having to say "Not today, honey. Not yet."

Not yet.

I don't know if that's just me, or if that's what the Lord has in mind right now. Honestly, sometimes I think I'd rather just quit my job and let the chips fall where they may. I would much rather be able to be there when my daughter scrapes her knee, than have to hear about it from our daycare provider. I would rather have the time to show her how to plant tulip bulbs, and to make pancakes, and to ride a bike when the time comes. I want to be able to take her (and her little brother, when he's born) out to lay in the grass and watch the clouds. I want to be there when she misbehaves, so I can tell her what God expects of a little girl. I want to fight with her so I can tell her I'm sorry. I want to teach her to sing.

But, not yet. I know I can do all these things in time, but not until the Lord--and my husband--say it's okay.

I want to be there before it's too late.

I want to be there before something tragic happens, like in my cousin's family. She worked full time, she loved her kids with everything she had in her . . . and now she's succumbing to the affects of 2 1/2 years of chemotherapy and radiation treatments. She's 42, and probably won't see this Thanksgiving. Her kids are 23, 21, 11 and 8.

Work just isn't worth missing out on my kids.


Heavenly Father,
Please give me your grace, I need it so badly today. I'm tired of complaining about work, I'm tired of missing out on my daughter, I'm tired of working, I'm just so stinking tired. I don't want to be afraid of running out of money, but I also want to pay my debts.
Thank you, my Jesus, for paying the price for my sinful life. Please show me how to be more like you, how to persevere in this race of life.
Holy Spirit, fall freshly on me today. Please keep me from harm, and from harming others.
Lord, keep me in all of your ways.
Amen