Today

I had big plans for the day.  You know what I mean. 

The dishes would be done, the kitchen clean.
I would finally get to mopping the wood floors.
I would have a chicken thawed, seasoned, stuffed, and in the oven half-done by the time hubby came home.  Chicken and roasted veggies.  Wholesome, no?
And the diapers would all be washed up and the rest of the laundry would be done.
Hubby would be impressed.

I woke up thanking the Lord--in advance!--for the gift of today.  Wasn't I being a good Christian mommy?

Yeah.

The baby is teething, and all three kids have had a cold.  And for some reason, some obnoxious mood has overtaken them.  They're kinetic today.  Mostly feeling better, but it seems they can't stop moving. 

Even in sleep. 

My middle child rolled off the toddler bed and bounced off a bookcase, splitting his lip, before thudding to the floor.  Howling broke through everyone's nap. 

And the diapers are all I've managed to clean.  I have blood on my sleeve.

Yeah.

Today.  It was one of those, "What in the world have I done?" days. 

So I must remind myself:
Owies kissed and snuggles given.
Breakfast and lunch (so far) enjoyed.
Diapers changed. 
Snacks eaten.
Train tracks laid.
Baby nursed.
Noses wiped.
Books read. 
Giggles shared.
Prayers breathed.

Today has been a productive day after all.

Perspective

This was originally posted as a note on Facebook, on Wednesday, March 16, 2011.

Time to move my writing all to one place, huh?

It was a hard day, and frankly, the last place I wanted to be was at the grocery store with the whole family. I've had this cold/flu thing, and I just wanted to be back home in my jammies.

The kids had been restless all afternoon . . . cabin fever big time! Picking at each other, picking at me . . . driving me just a little nutso . . . so fighting the dinner-time mob at the store just wasn't where I wanted to be.

The baby had finally fallen asleep in his car seat--poor third child, not allowed to nap by the noisy older siblings--when we got to the checkout. My oldest started asking for everything she saw: "Can I have a princess doll? Can I have gum? Can I have a cookie? Can I, oh they have candy canIhavesomecandymommypleeeeease?" Well, 20 minutes before dinner I was not going to give in to treats.

So she starts crying, which really lifted my sinus headache to a whole other level.

I was just trying to keep it together so we could get out the door, when an older lady approached. She smiled sweetly at the kids, and just as I was about to offer her the older two (for free!), she asked softly,

"Oh, can I just take a peek?" and stopped to admire the baby.

"I think he's asleep." I said quietly. "Finally!"

She gave me a measuring look, as if she was looking straight into my heart, into my bad day, into my headache. She started to speak, paused and pursed her lips, then began:

"We, my husband and I, got our first child when she was 5 months old. We adopted her, you know," she looked fondly at my sleeping babe. "She was 11 months old when the papers were finalized."

She took another deep breath. "A few months later I had this flu I just couldn't shake," she said, patting her stomach. "I finally went to the doctor, and he said, 'Well, we know you can't get pregnant, but we'll check just in case.' Well, wouldn't you know, there it was, we were pregnant after all." I smiled, enjoying the story of her miracle.

She stood another moment, smiling at the baby, then looked up at me through yesterday's tears. "We lost 6 more after that, but I had my girls." She sighed, smiled, then said, "And we fostered more than 300 children after that."

I was stunned. "Oh, well God bless you, what a wonderful thing to do!" I said with tears welling up in my eyes.

"And," she said grandly, "I also have 15 great-grandchildren." She beamed at me, then went on her way with a, "Have a nice evening."

I wish I'd asked her name. If I'd been able to speak, I'd have thanked her for her generous heart, and for helping me to have a better outlook on my day.

They're all asleep!!

Wow.
I can hardly believe my last post was in July. Crazy! Since then I left my beloved job, we took the kids out of daycare and we've moved to my brother's to be caretakers, and a little more than 8 weeks ago I gave birth to my newest little guy, Reece David.
Life can sure change fast.
And the only reason I'm sitting down to write is that everyone else in the house is snoozing! Ahh, sweet silence . . .
My hubby and I were discussing this just the other night: If you'd have told me last Christmas that in 2010 I would leave my job to be a SAHM, I would have a new baby, and that I'd be living in what amounts to my dream home, I'd have said you were certifiable.
Yet here I am.
Left my job. SAHM. New baby. 1870s farm house in a sleepy river town.
Crazy.
It certainly hasn't been easy, and it's not always fun, but somehow the extra hard work really is . . . easier. Maybe not easier--maybe it's just that I'm doing something worthwhile? It's harder work, but less--no, make that different--stress. There are rarely breaks (like now!) and no vacations. There are constant messes, noise, smelly bottoms, sticky faces . . . but there are also giggles, drool, toys, smiles and dimples that I would miss otherwise.
I've had to slog my way through the murky depths of post-partum depression, but I have a beautiful boy to show for it. I don't get to shower every day, and I rarely get to go potty without someone trailing along behind me, but my middle child doesn't care if I'm sitting on the toilet when I read to him. Forgiving boy.
My husband is really coming into his own, too. I'd say he's changed a lot in the last year, but maybe it's me that's changed: I see him how he really is now that I'm not distracted by so many outside things. He's stronger than I'd have imagined. More tender. Compassionate. Fun. He'd probably kick me for saying this, but I think he looks better with the extra grey hairs he's earned this year. I don't know about MY new greys, but his look really good. Mmm. I have a cute husband. Is it getting warm in here?
Occasional behavior issues and mountains of laundry aside, this has been a good move for us. The Lord has opened up tons of new possibilities for us: homeschooling, more children, adoption or foster care, maybe a new church home, new friends. Things I'd dreamed about before but were "impossible": With God all things are possible.
All things.

Decisions, decisions . . .

The uncomfortable feeling started a couple of weeks ago: a co-worker asked, as she passed my desk, "Can't you stay for another month?" I was in a really aggravated mood, and just snapped, "No." No discussion, no, "Oh, thanks, but . . ." I just answered her shortly, and thought the conversation was over.

Last week same co-worker commented on a Facebook note I'd posted that she was having abandonment issues. I replied with a sunshiny, "That's not my problem, dear!" Again, I thougth it was over.

Today in a meeting, my BOSS actually mentioned it in a sort-of joking manner. Honestly I'm not sure how serious she might have been. I couldn't bring myself to respond. It made me really uncomfortable!!

Now I have been pre-screening candidates for my position and have scheduled 5 interviews for them this week--and the cow eyes continue from members of my team. I really *really* don't want to be in the position of having to magnanimously decline the owners asking me to stick around. I gave them 6 weeks' notice. 6 weeks! That should have been enough time to troll around for candidates, in my opinion. I feel a little sorry for them, but what can I do? I warned them that this was going to happen! I'm just so aggravated, and hope they come up with a quick solution without any dramatics at my exit.

~

Meanwhile . . .

Packing continues and I am trying to decide what pieces of my garden I want to transplant to the new place. I was overjoyed the other morning when I discovered that my creeping thyme came back--hooray!! One less herb to buy for the garden!! So I have the thyme, chives, and peppermint that all came back. Yum! Sounds like the beginning to a tasty Indian or Greek dish!

Research continues on cloth diapering, and I'm getting ready to try my hand at making my own laundry detergent. It's such a strange juxtaposition: I'm in a modern office in the corporate world, talking about my transition to a SAHM DIY world. Less technology, but more work! Less coffee, but more kids! I'm still wondering how I'm going to adjust to all this.

I have 9 days left here. And yes, I AM counting these days!! Trying to make them count, but honestly not caring that I'm still here. Both feet are out the door, but the rest of me has a few days yet left to follow.

I'm excited, a little scared, but mostly excited and relieved that the Lord is answering my prayers!! Now I wonder: what does that mean? He's giving me my heart's desire: what is He asking for in return?

My home? Check.
My job? Check.
My kids? Check, check (and waiting on a check).
My marriage? Gave Him that a while ago.

Wondering what He's asking of me now? And even as I ask myself that question, I get the answer. My time.

~

Thank you Lord Jesus for your many many blessings. Thank you for the cross. Thank you for this day, for you have made it. Help me to be the woman you made me into!

Good things come to those who wait . . .

I can hardly believe I'm writing this post.

The last week has been like a blur . . . I had this feeling . . . then there were two blue lines on a stick . . . then my husband said what I've been praying he'd say for the last four years; "Looks like you're coming home to stay, because we can't afford 3 in daycare!"

I get to stay home with my babies.

I feel like I've lived an entire life since then, and it's only been 5 days.

I'm not jumping up and down like I thought I would be. I'm just happy. Peaceful. Excited, but nervous. Temperate? I don't know what to call this feeling . . . the Joy of the Lord? Probably, but it's a lot quieter than I thought it would be. I have more patience for my almost-four-year-old and her grumpies, and with my 13 month old as he develops his own strong-willed temperament. I have more patience with my DH. I have peace. I feel humbled by the grace that has been given to me. I am allowed another child, and the chance to do my best raising the two I already have.

I still have to fight the fear that comes with change--that's never easy, of course. There are all these, "What if" situations that pop up in my brain, but they're all based on fear . . . and not a healthy fear of the Lord, either.

It's taking time to sink in, like our spring thaw . . . I get to stay home with my babies. I'm still not jumping up and down. In my imagination there were more exclamation points in this post. :-) I sure smile a whole lot more, that's for sure.
~
Something just occurred to me . . . very soon I won't have to listen to the CEO of our company curse every time he looks at the clock as he walks by my desk. I won't miss that. Not one bit.
~
I'm going to start really digging in to Proverbs 31, and will post my observations here as I go. I want to be that woman for God, for my kids and for my husband.

How am I going to break this to my boss? :-) I know I'm going to meet with opposition in many areas, perhaps mostly here at work, but I honestly don't care. My family is supportive and so are the friends we've told. I'm sure a lot of people will think we're nuts: lots have asked whether we were "done" when we got pregnant with my DS, but I couldn't really answer except to say, "I don't know" or "For now."

I just feel so blessed, so undeservedly blessed. It really is humbling.

I get to stay home with my babies.

My precious, precious Jesus:
I'm sure you know better than I the gift that you've given me. I can't imagine why or how you think I can do this . . . I know you'll help me. I know it's going to be hard. I also know that it's going to be worth all the tears and heartache and sacrifice. You are worth it. You alone are worthy of my praise, and I pray that I can give it to you fully and without reservation. Thank you, thank you.