Thankful

I still haven't told my poor manager that she's going to be losing me . . . frankly, I'm a little chicken to do it. Bock, bock. Then again I was also chicken about telling my best friend that we're pregnant. But I did that anyway.

I've sort of been waiting for the "right time" to give my notice, and though I don't really need to give more than 2 weeks' notice, I'd like to give them 2 months if possible.

Sometimes I get a funny little ache thinking about leaving work. This has been, without a doubt, the best job I've ever had. My co-workers are great, the work is interesting and special assignments change often--which I love, the location is convenient, the benefits are fantastic. Why am I leaving again? In this economy?

Oh, yeah. My kids. :-)

Answered prayer doesn't come as ordered, does it? I had hoped for something cleaner-cut, expected to stay in the house we're in, but that's not what's happening. Financially we're taking a really big hit . . . I can't imagine why that doesn't bother me more than it does. Honsestly we're doing things so totally against "worldly" wisdom that I'm sure all the financial gurus out there would be keeling over in their spit-shined Italian leather shoes, rumpling up their tailored suits.

I hope they sit down in some gum. Or the pigeons get 'em.

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I've been realizing over the last few days, even as I plan my escape, that there are things I'm going to miss about working: conversations with educated adults, really good take out for lunch, walks in the skyway during breaks, free coffee every day, the chance to use my brain on something more than crossword puzzles . . .

But then, there are the things I'm NOT going to miss . . .

A boss who looks at either his watch or the clock every time he walks by my desk and cusses; a co-worker who can't seem to button up her blouse; making coffee twice a day for other people; the "hurry, hurry, let's get this done" only to have a project either shelved or the terms change; sitting at the computer. All. Day. Long.

Most important: I won't miss my kids. I won't miss that ache in my chest when I drop them off at daycare. I'll be there for the things they learn, or hearing their laughter at playtime, or holding them when they sleep, or when they fall and skin their knees, or when they need a hug. I won't miss them like I do now, because I'll be there.

I won't miss the horrible guilt of giving my babies to a stranger to raise. Now I know that many people will think that sounds horrible, but my kids really do spend the majority of their waking hours around adults who are not their parents.

It won't be long, I know. I miss my babies. More and more I want to snuggle them, make memories, take walks, dig in the dirt . . . it won't be long now.

Just 6 short months ago I prayed Psalm 127 for the first time, that my house would be built by the Lord, and that our labor would not be in vain; and that we would learn to trust God with everything, including the size of our family. He has shown Himself faithful. Hallelujah!!

Heavenly Father,
Thank you. For all that you are, I thank you.
For all that you give, and all that you take away, I thank you.
Teach me how to praise your name when times get hard.
Teach me how to walk in your ways.
Hold me tight when I don't think I can make it.
Whisper in my ear, remind me that you are what makes me strong.
Help me to love my kids the way you want them to be loved.
Help me be the momma you want me to be, the wife you want me to be.
Amen

Promised Land

I keep thinking about the Israelites, and wonder how they felt when they were told--after 40 years of wandering around that mountain--that they were finally allowed to enter the land promised to their forefathers.

Were they excited, or was the concept of the promised land--and the memory of slavery--so far removed from them that they didn't care or understand?

Maybe that's why I'm not more excited? The idea that I get to go home to my babies is still just so unreal to me. I trust the Lord; I'm doing research and making plans, hubby and I are crunching the numbers and making out a new budget, and things are looking good. It's just so unreal . . . but in that dream-like happy way.

I love my kids so much. I love my husband so much. I serve the biggest best God ever. And I love HIM so much!!

Good things come to those who wait . . .

I can hardly believe I'm writing this post.

The last week has been like a blur . . . I had this feeling . . . then there were two blue lines on a stick . . . then my husband said what I've been praying he'd say for the last four years; "Looks like you're coming home to stay, because we can't afford 3 in daycare!"

I get to stay home with my babies.

I feel like I've lived an entire life since then, and it's only been 5 days.

I'm not jumping up and down like I thought I would be. I'm just happy. Peaceful. Excited, but nervous. Temperate? I don't know what to call this feeling . . . the Joy of the Lord? Probably, but it's a lot quieter than I thought it would be. I have more patience for my almost-four-year-old and her grumpies, and with my 13 month old as he develops his own strong-willed temperament. I have more patience with my DH. I have peace. I feel humbled by the grace that has been given to me. I am allowed another child, and the chance to do my best raising the two I already have.

I still have to fight the fear that comes with change--that's never easy, of course. There are all these, "What if" situations that pop up in my brain, but they're all based on fear . . . and not a healthy fear of the Lord, either.

It's taking time to sink in, like our spring thaw . . . I get to stay home with my babies. I'm still not jumping up and down. In my imagination there were more exclamation points in this post. :-) I sure smile a whole lot more, that's for sure.
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Something just occurred to me . . . very soon I won't have to listen to the CEO of our company curse every time he looks at the clock as he walks by my desk. I won't miss that. Not one bit.
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I'm going to start really digging in to Proverbs 31, and will post my observations here as I go. I want to be that woman for God, for my kids and for my husband.

How am I going to break this to my boss? :-) I know I'm going to meet with opposition in many areas, perhaps mostly here at work, but I honestly don't care. My family is supportive and so are the friends we've told. I'm sure a lot of people will think we're nuts: lots have asked whether we were "done" when we got pregnant with my DS, but I couldn't really answer except to say, "I don't know" or "For now."

I just feel so blessed, so undeservedly blessed. It really is humbling.

I get to stay home with my babies.

My precious, precious Jesus:
I'm sure you know better than I the gift that you've given me. I can't imagine why or how you think I can do this . . . I know you'll help me. I know it's going to be hard. I also know that it's going to be worth all the tears and heartache and sacrifice. You are worth it. You alone are worthy of my praise, and I pray that I can give it to you fully and without reservation. Thank you, thank you.