Endings

Sometimes I have to refrain from rolling my eyes. I know partings can be difficult, but the moping thing going on around here is getting a little annoying.
I know, I know . . . I should be loving on these people, but I'm emotionally detatching. It's easier for me to leave *glad to leave* than *sad to leave.* I am sad to leave, but I am very very happy to be going!
I will miss the people.
I will not miss the sniping.
I will miss the busy time, the tasks, the productiveness of working.
I will not have to miss my children. That productiveness is what matters most!
And the sniping.
Good grief.
What ever happened to the "Thumper Rule"? Read lthis aloud, ike you're a fluffy grey animated bunny: "If yuh can't say sumpthin' nice . . . uh . . . don' say nothin' at all." Then, waggle your fluffy tale proudly. Good bunny.
One co-worker is prone to . . . how do I put this . . . drama. Drama of all types. Melodrama, even. This is also the co-worker who--in various and assorted ways, and on numerous occasions--has sought to deal me a glancing blow to the ego. Not that I have much of an ego left, after laboring for 37 hours with my first child before crying for a cesarean, but still. Is there really any point to denigrating another person? To serve out sniping little comments that are meant to be teasing or jokes?
And then to call and say, "(giggle) I wanted to apologize for being such a b**ch. (snicker)"
That's not an apology.
That's downright rude.
I am so glad that this is my last week here. Now I can just ease out from under the oppression that is this personality.
But, alas--she has my cell phone number.
And I--triumphantly--have caller ID on my cell. That's a good thing.

~~

I WANT TO BE ABLE TO FORGIVE THIS PERSON AND MOVE ON.
I just don't think I can continue a friendship, even though I know that's what she'll try to do. Ugh. Lord, help me to see her through your eyes: because all I want to do, is call attention to her claims at Christianity and point out how she's NOT acting Christ-like. Ugh again.
Please help me to "be a channel of your peace," and not to sew dischord.
Please help me to shine your light instead of pushing others toward darkness.
Work through me, if you will.
AMEN

I really hope someone can start on Monday . . .

Interviewing potential job candidates can be as uncomfortable as being interviewed, I've found. It's not the same kind of stress to be sure: but there's an element of discomfort in a job interview.

It's sort of cruel, when you think about it. Almost agonizing.

You first write out your life story (okay, work history, but it ends up feeling like your life story), then you send it in to some faceless organization. They analyze the 'you on paper' that you send in; if they like 'you on paper' then they want to meet 'you in person.' Only, you're not really 'you'--you're 'interviewee you.' So you dress up, put on your best behavior and smile, bring extra copies of 'you on paper' and try to impress--or at least, not disappoint--the person conducting the interview. Sometimes extra people are brought in to pick your brain; sometimes you're outnumbered! People ask you weird questions about apples, and Star Trek, and whether you've ordered office supplies or not. They want to know what your career goals are--whether or not you've got any at that moment--and why you want their job. Within an hour--sometimes within a few minutes, if you've presented yourself really well or really poorly--they'll know if they want to make a long-term commitment to you. And you'll know what you think of them. At least, you *think* you'll know what you think of them.

And as soon as you leave, you *know* people are talking about you. Part of you wants to know what they said, what they thought, will I get this job? The other part of you is just glad that the thumbscrews have been loosed and you're set free to be 'you' again. Torture!!

I don't know that I want to work in HR again. I think HR people (well, those who enjoy the hiring/firing process, anyhow) have some sort of sadist mentality, like they enjoy inflicting the torture on the people under their power. I do not partake in that pleasure. I'm far too uncomfortable for the poor interviewee!!

~

I REALLY hope they found a good replacement. All these interviews . . . it's emotionally draining for me. As if I wasn't emotional enough, at 20 weeks pregnant, I have to sit there and ask these poor people to give more information, sometimes asking questions just to see what they would say. Ugh. No wonder I'm so tired.

~

Lord, please bless these people in their job searches! I'm proud of them that they showed up!! I know that you will provide for all your children, and I ask that you pour out an extra measure of peace and assurance on all our candidates. Help them find jobs, or at least a sense of satisfaction that they put forth a worthy effort. AMEN!! Now will you PLEASE help them select the right candidate?

No-show

In this economy . . .

In this economy . . . with millions out of work nationwide . . . .

Our first interview of the week was a no-show.

No phone call to reschedule. No email canceling his appearance. Not even breezing in late. Nope. No-show. IN THIS ECONOMY!!! Yes, I know I'm quitting my job in this economy but it's cheaper than having three kids in daycare.

But come on. Show a little backbone, dude. If you're not interested then just say so!!

I'm annoyed over this for a few reasons. And you don't care to know those reasons, but I'ma tell ya anyway:

1. I am preggo, and easy to annoy right now. I'm just stating a fact. It's not an excuse for anything, it's just a hormonal fact of my life. More preggo = less emotionally stable. There's got to be an algorithm out there for the relationship between those two states of being. As in, early preggo--fairly easygoing. Late preggo--momzilla. You get the picture.
2. There are people out in this city who would be climbing over each other to score this interview because they've been out of work for months. To just blow off an interview like this is just . . . just . . . lousy. Someone else who NEEDS work could have come in. Part of me hopes he shows up tomorrow thinking it was supposed to be Thursday--I want to give him the benefit of the doubt. I do. But I just can't.
3. I am feeling an ever-increasing amount of pressure to have someone trained in by the end of next week. Not because I'm being pressured--honestly, this is self-imposed pressure--but because I just don't understand WHY they (my beloved bosses) haven't gotten their collective stuff together. I gave them 6 week's notice. 6. WEEKS. I have 8 DAYS LEFT and I'm OUT.

Once again, I am getting the uncomfortable feeling that some time next Wednesday I'm going to get a teary-eyed plea to "Just stay another month! Just a month!" Part of me wants to pre-empt any such nonsense and talk to my manager about it. Another part of me doesn't want to be pretentious and burn bridges by accident. Ugh.

~~~

Now on to the arduous task of planning the days ahead. It may be a bit strange to think that a stay-at-home-momma needs a task list or calendar, but if I don't give myself some assignments, momzilla is going to make frequent appearances. And I love my children too much to do that to them. And their father. Because I'll blame him for my 'zilla-ness. Because, well, re-read #1 above.

First on my list needs to be Bible study and prayer time. It has to be first, or I'm going to lose my perspective. God gave me this family to love and raise for HIS glory, not mine. I need to remind myself of this daily or I will start down the way-wrong path.

And now a quandary. I heard a local pastor on the radio yesterday. I'm really starting to like this program, and looked up the radio station because I wanted to send him a thank-you email for his program. Lo and behold: he pastors a church near where we're moving to. I'm interested to see this pastor in his native environment, because if what he says on the radio is what he says in his pulpit, then our dear pastor has some competition.

I love my church, my church family. Love it. But this guy was preaching the unadulterated WORD and I would really like to know more. Hmm. I'll have to bring this up with my dear darling hubby!

Decisions, decisions . . .

The uncomfortable feeling started a couple of weeks ago: a co-worker asked, as she passed my desk, "Can't you stay for another month?" I was in a really aggravated mood, and just snapped, "No." No discussion, no, "Oh, thanks, but . . ." I just answered her shortly, and thought the conversation was over.

Last week same co-worker commented on a Facebook note I'd posted that she was having abandonment issues. I replied with a sunshiny, "That's not my problem, dear!" Again, I thougth it was over.

Today in a meeting, my BOSS actually mentioned it in a sort-of joking manner. Honestly I'm not sure how serious she might have been. I couldn't bring myself to respond. It made me really uncomfortable!!

Now I have been pre-screening candidates for my position and have scheduled 5 interviews for them this week--and the cow eyes continue from members of my team. I really *really* don't want to be in the position of having to magnanimously decline the owners asking me to stick around. I gave them 6 weeks' notice. 6 weeks! That should have been enough time to troll around for candidates, in my opinion. I feel a little sorry for them, but what can I do? I warned them that this was going to happen! I'm just so aggravated, and hope they come up with a quick solution without any dramatics at my exit.

~

Meanwhile . . .

Packing continues and I am trying to decide what pieces of my garden I want to transplant to the new place. I was overjoyed the other morning when I discovered that my creeping thyme came back--hooray!! One less herb to buy for the garden!! So I have the thyme, chives, and peppermint that all came back. Yum! Sounds like the beginning to a tasty Indian or Greek dish!

Research continues on cloth diapering, and I'm getting ready to try my hand at making my own laundry detergent. It's such a strange juxtaposition: I'm in a modern office in the corporate world, talking about my transition to a SAHM DIY world. Less technology, but more work! Less coffee, but more kids! I'm still wondering how I'm going to adjust to all this.

I have 9 days left here. And yes, I AM counting these days!! Trying to make them count, but honestly not caring that I'm still here. Both feet are out the door, but the rest of me has a few days yet left to follow.

I'm excited, a little scared, but mostly excited and relieved that the Lord is answering my prayers!! Now I wonder: what does that mean? He's giving me my heart's desire: what is He asking for in return?

My home? Check.
My job? Check.
My kids? Check, check (and waiting on a check).
My marriage? Gave Him that a while ago.

Wondering what He's asking of me now? And even as I ask myself that question, I get the answer. My time.

~

Thank you Lord Jesus for your many many blessings. Thank you for the cross. Thank you for this day, for you have made it. Help me to be the woman you made me into!

Counting down!!!

Ack!!! 15 days until my last day at work. At this point, you would think they'd have someone to fill my seat, right? Right?! Riiiiggghhhht. Not so much.

I've pointed about a half-dozen potential candidates toward my boss in the hopes that I would be training the new me by now. Only one of those half-dozen has actually applied, she came in and had a wonderful interview. Now we sit and wait.

In the mean time,

1. I'm getting new assignments.
2. I need to write work instructions for these new assignments.
3. I'm getting frustrated with and for my boss.
4. She (my boss, who is really a dear person) is probably going grey by the second because she *knows* what kind of person she wants to fill my seat, and the 'boys' (*her* bosses)have given her different directions.
5. That makes more work for everyone else on the team.
6. That makes a certain team member whine at me about their increasing stress level, how sad they are that I'm leaving, that they're having trouble sleeping, that they have so much work to do and then they blame that on me. Whiner.
7. Now *I* am screening potential candidates, and my boss is flitting off to Indiana for a 5-day weekend. Now, 15 days before my last day, when we have no one to fill my seat.
8. Two qualified candidates have interviewed, and 'the boys' want more time and more people to meet.
9. A depression has fallen over the team that is--startlingly enough--not affecting me!! The closer I get to "The End" the happier and more relaxed I become.
10. My sunshiny attitude is negatively affecting the Debbie Downer of my office. (See #6 above.) Boo-hoo for her. I brought in doughnuts for everyone today, so just go bite one.

Ahhhh. I think I'll grab another cup of coffee now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So part of what I want to do as a SAHM is to get us the heck out of debt. We're in it, too. Lots of it. To the point that I'm not sure to whom we owe money any longer.

I have no doubt that we'll get it all taken care of. I just don't know how my family is going to like living on beans and rice once momma takes over the finances!! LOL!!! They'll live, and be healthier for it. And, I really am looking forward to living more simply, and at a slower pace. Growing my herbs instead of buying them at the store, putting in a veggie garden next year. Doing more cooking. Cloth diapering my babes, probably homeschooling. Of course, this is said with all the naiivete inherent in dreamers such as myself. Watch: in a few months I'll be back here lamenting my decision, whining about the lack of adult conversation, eewing over the cloth diapering routine. And probably, loving every second of my sticky little ickies: I'm thinking of the girl who tried to wipe her Lingonberry jelly-smeared face on me when I dropped her off at daycare, then ran off smiling while trying not to trip over the dress-up gear she had on. Stinker.

The other night my darling hubby man got a little surprise. Apparently he'd only applied for forebearance on *half* of his student loans. Well, he got a little phone call that sent him through the roof, to the tune of approximately $30,000. That's, two small like-new used cars. Or a wildly expensive (to me) new car. Or a mild gambling habit. At least, mild from what I read. That's the operating budget of a small country for a couple days at least.

Well he talked to the loan people instead of putting things off as is his habit (hence the mountain of debt we're in): he explained our situation--two kids, one on the way, moving, wife leaving employment to stay home with kids--and some blessed angel ('scuse me whilst I shout to the heavens) WIPED OUT $13,000 WORTH OF HIS SCHOOL DEBT. IT'S FORGIVEN. $13,000, just for asking. I'm blown away. And humbled.

When he came to tell me about this he was still all upset about the balance of the loan, and I'm just like, "Do you realize what you just did? You got that debt cut almost in half, sweetie!! That's AWESOME!!!!" It took him almost a full day to figure out that $13,000 is a good deal of money. It's a decent (to me) new car. It's the downpayment on a home. It's about a year and a half at the local community college, if you rode the bus and bought used books.

And still he whined.

I love my husband.

I must say, though, that sometimes he's intent on having his whine, and he did so.

I left him to it, dished up dinner, and--when rounding up the troops for chow--found my sweet hubby right where he should be--on his face, in prayer and praise to his Heavenly Father.

It turned out to be a great night after that.