Not yet

So I've just about had it with my job.

I feel like I can't get anything done, and when I do, it doesn't really matter anyway.

Okay, so I'm whining, but I would really rather stay home with my daughter right now. She keeps asking me to stay home--almost every day . . . and I keep having to say "Not today, honey. Not yet."

Not yet.

I don't know if that's just me, or if that's what the Lord has in mind right now. Honestly, sometimes I think I'd rather just quit my job and let the chips fall where they may. I would much rather be able to be there when my daughter scrapes her knee, than have to hear about it from our daycare provider. I would rather have the time to show her how to plant tulip bulbs, and to make pancakes, and to ride a bike when the time comes. I want to be able to take her (and her little brother, when he's born) out to lay in the grass and watch the clouds. I want to be there when she misbehaves, so I can tell her what God expects of a little girl. I want to fight with her so I can tell her I'm sorry. I want to teach her to sing.

But, not yet. I know I can do all these things in time, but not until the Lord--and my husband--say it's okay.

I want to be there before it's too late.

I want to be there before something tragic happens, like in my cousin's family. She worked full time, she loved her kids with everything she had in her . . . and now she's succumbing to the affects of 2 1/2 years of chemotherapy and radiation treatments. She's 42, and probably won't see this Thanksgiving. Her kids are 23, 21, 11 and 8.

Work just isn't worth missing out on my kids.


Heavenly Father,
Please give me your grace, I need it so badly today. I'm tired of complaining about work, I'm tired of missing out on my daughter, I'm tired of working, I'm just so stinking tired. I don't want to be afraid of running out of money, but I also want to pay my debts.
Thank you, my Jesus, for paying the price for my sinful life. Please show me how to be more like you, how to persevere in this race of life.
Holy Spirit, fall freshly on me today. Please keep me from harm, and from harming others.
Lord, keep me in all of your ways.
Amen

Distraction

Anyone else out there get distracted easily? I'm even having a hard time typing out this second sentence! Blah!!
Lately, I find myself lost in my own thoughts when I should be working. I don't want to be one of those daydreamer employees who does just enough to get by, but I'm afraid that's exactly the category I'm falling into at the moment. Dolly daydream . . .
Mostly I'm thinking about my daughter and what it will be like for her to have a little brother; I wonder how in the world we're going to get by on one income with all the out-standing debt we have; how I can be a better support for my husband as he's looking for more work.
We got word back from Arkansas--basically, hubby is asking for way more than this company can afford, so they're in the slary negotiating stage.
I'm no longer convinced that moving out of state is the answer to our financial issues. I'm really starting to want to figure out how we can stay put, I just have no idea how we're going to cover all the bills AND pay down debt.

Heavenly Father, hold us up. I'm so distracted lately that I'm having a hard time getting my work done . . . all I want to do is stay home with my daughter. It's hard getting out of bed each day and dropping her off at daycare. Please give me the strength and fortitude to keep pressing forward!
I love you Lord. Thank you for your mercy today. Amen

Provision

Psalm 121 (NIV)
A song of ascents.
1 I lift up my eyes to the hills— where does my help come from? 2 My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. 3 He will not let your foot slip— he who watches over you will not slumber; 4 indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
5 The LORD watches over you—the LORD is your shade at your right hand; 6 the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. 7 The LORD will keep you from all harm—he will watch over your life; 8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.

Isn't God amazing?
It seems as though I just think of something I may need--immediately, or in the near future--and the Lord provides it to me. Everything from clothes for my daughter, to a couple sacks of potatoes left anonymously on my front porch. Of course, I pray for provision and to supply for my family, but more often than not, stuff just comes my way.
I got a call last night from a relative who has been handing down her daughter's old clothes for my daughter, and has also put some aside for my little boy for when he gets bigger. Plus, she has a barely-used play pen she wants to give us. Amazing! I was going to loan out a bassinet we got when our daughter was born--I may as well just give it away, because this playpen has a bassinet attachment, too!
Another friend gave me three HUGE boxes of little girl clothes recently, and I got a good lesson in letting go . . .
I'd spied some things that I'd wanted to save "just in case" we found out we were having a girl (even though I knew this one was a boy from the moment I had that positive pregnancy test). So, I shared some clothes with my sister-in-law, and she took some for a friend. Then I went through the bins again, and decided to call another friend to see if she wanted any clothes--she had just been going through her daughter's drawers, wondering where they were going to get money to buy more stuff for their little girl. Prayers answered for them!
She came over the next Sunday and poked through the bins. All sorts of cute little outfits I had wanted were being put into her pile, and she was taking some other stuff for a friend of her's that I'd never met . . . and I was getting jealous. I had wanted that one knit hat, and I had wanted that one dress. I pouted internally for a few days when I finally realized--the generosity of one friend had blessed five other families. Now, imagine if I had hoarded everything away for myself. That would have been real nice, wouldn't it? Knowing others needed clothes for their kids and I stashed away a bunch for myself. And for what purpose? To molder in a closet somewhere, or get musty in the basement? I certainly wasn't going to wear them!
Well, like I said, it took me a few days, but I got over it. Now, I'm kind of excited because the stuff left over in the bins is all too small for my little girl, but a friend of mine (due two days after me) just learned that she's having a girl! And she wants to do a trade--my girl stuff for the things her little boy has outgrown.
One person cleaning out closets blessed SIX families. That's multiplication I can appreciate! And I'd thought about keeping all that stuff . . .

My prayer today: Lord, help me to remember others on my journey, and throughout my day. Help me to fill the needs I see, however I can, and to remember that my treasure is in heaven. Thank you again and again for your provision. Amen

Conviction

On my way home from work yesterday, I heard a message on the radio from Chuck Bentley of Crown Financial Ministries. Chuck was talking about the *ahem* mess, in our ecomony, and it got me thinking:
How much have I really given up for my family's financial wellbeing? There are things some would call 'essentials' that my hubby and I have decided to do without, such as:

• Fancy cell phones & plans (we "pay as we go" and our phones are 3 years old! They don't have built-in cameras!! Gasp!)
• Cable or satelite TV (I'm satisfied not knowing what I'm missing)
• Tivo (don't watch much network TV anyhow)
• NetFlix (we go to the library for free video rental)
• Brand-new cars (mine's 17 years old! How old is yours?)
• Brand-new computers (hubby's dad built his machine)
• Power Ball tickets (we don't like gambling)
• Regular trips to the salon (I "dye" for my color)
• Out-of-town vacations
• Dates where we actually spend money

Truth be told, we are not doing very well financially, despite the things we've decided to do without. That's part of the reason for hubby's feverish job search--the other part being our desire to have me stay home with my babies. Once baby boy arrives in January we won't be able to make all our bills, and have the kids in daycare so I can go to work. That's what we're facing right now--the "which bills do we pay this month" lottery. I'm not looking forward to it.

So, this radio program last night really got me thinking about what else we could be doing to save money, and where else we could trim our budget--and totally convicted me of my own selfish nature. During the radio broadcast, the host mentioned getting a question from a listener--basically like "okay, Mr. financial-smarty-pants guy, if our national leaders came to you to ask what you think they should do about the current financial crisis, what would you say?"--and he answered it in a way I didn't really expect. His short answer was this--that he'd tell our national leaders to turn back to God. (Read more of Chuck's message here.) Chuck cites this verse, from 2 Chronicles 7:

13 "When I shut up the heavens so that there is no rain, or command locusts to devour the land or send a plague among my people, 14 if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land.”

That message totally hit me in the gut: we may not be dealing with locusts, but we are dealing with greed and that can be just as damaging, if not more so. Here I am with a car that runs, a job that pays well and covers my insurance . . . the list went on and on, but it all boils down to my first question: How much have I really given up for my family's financial wellbeing?

So, he doesn't know this yet, but my hubby and I are going to start exploring the public transportation system and the feasibility of living with one car, shopping for cheaper insurance, getting more creative with the crock pot and cooking at home, living (gasp!) without super-fast internet (or without internet at all), and the possibility of working opposite shifts so one of us can stay home with kids while the other one works, shopping at the dollar stores and discount grocery chains and skipping out on frozen pizza.

My prayer for today: Heavenly Father, I'm scared. I don't know where the money will come from. I don't really know that money is the answer to our troubles. I don't know what the answer to our financial mess is, but I do know this for sure--it's our fault we're in this mess in the first place, and I'm totally ashamed of it. Father, I'm sorry for my selfishness, and my unwillingness to be satisfied with what you have provided. Please, teach me to be satisfied with you, and please help us figure this out!